It's Not Called That By Accident

[previously posted by me on Facebook, April 1, 2010]

I almost became a vegetarian today. I think i may have had a small and completely irrational panic attack, too.

I've been wanting to eat at the new Chinese place over by where i work for a couple of weeks now, since it opened. There used to be a place across University Ave that i liked a lot called Gum Seng, and that's been gone for quite some time, so i had hoped this new place would step up to the plate and fill the void left when Gum Seng departed.

Being as i'm on spring break right now, but still working the part time hours at the lab, i thought that today would be a good time to go scout the place out. It's called QQ Express. I had wondered why they would name the place after an emoticon which means crying, but i didn't really think of it in a foreshadowing type of way. I just thought it was either poor planning, or that it meant something else in Chinese. There are plenty of Chinese names that start with Q, maybe it's the owner's initials, or something.

So i get in there, and it's your typical cafeteria-style Chinese place. They've got the queue that you go through where you tell them if you want fried or white rice, etc, and then you pick out your two entrees, and it's like 6 bucks for everything. Kathy had shown me her leftovers from the place a couple days ago, and boy howdy i tell you, they don't skimp on the portions there. So i'm considering my options, and they were numerous. I had decided on the garlic chicken and broccoli, and then my first choice for the second entree was the General Tso's chicken...or else maybe the black pepper chicken. But then i saw the fried shrimp. It was big shrimp, too, and it looked pretty good. I figured, hell, i always get either General Tso's chicken or orange chicken when i go to these kinds of places, let's try the shrimp. So i did.

I walked my purchase out to the bus stop to wait for my ride back to the Jeep. I had about 20 minutes to wait, so i popped the top and started to eat my lunch. I started with the garlic chicken and broccoli, it was ok, pretty standard for a Chinese place. Nothing special there. So i tried some of the shrimp. When i first bit into it, i said to myself, did they not shell this completely? You know how shrimp is, there's usually some of the shell left on the tail when you're done. Well the whole thing felt like that. And then digging the remaining meat out of the end of the tail was more of a pain than usual. I was disappointed. But eh, i paid for it, i may as well finish my meal.

So i ate on. I had another shrimp or two, and it didn't improve. Then i came across a shrimp where i wasn't exactly sure which end was the tail, and i was like, this is weird. You'd think something like that would be self explanatory.

And then i realized that i was looking a shrimp right in the fucking eye.

I looked down at my container, and i saw another ten or so shrimp staring back at me. My food is not supposed to stare back at me, you understand?! This is not ok. So, i panicked. I don't know why; it's not like they were still alive, right? But fish have no eyelids. They were staring at me through a thin veil of breading. Judging me.

I was disgusted. I dropped the one i was holding, and i flicked my chopsticks at the others, a few fell to the ground. I stood up, barely containing the retching reflex that my throat was engaging, and walked a couple paces to the garbage can at the bus stop, where i condemned the rest of my shrimp to the abyss. I thought about vomiting but i held it back. I cursed myself for not having bought a drink. It seemed like a good idea at the time, i was just going to buy a bottle of soda when i got to school. Better selection, less money, right? But man, what i would have given to have a soda right then.

I walked back to the bench and saw the shrimp staring at me from the ground. I kicked them across the bus stop and sat back down. I surveyed the remains of my lunch, not sure whether or not to proceed. In the end i did, i ate the rest of the chicken but left those unidentifiable vegetable shards you always find in Chinese food, and a good deal of the rice, because i needed something to get the taste of that shrimp out of my mouth. All i could think about was the feeling of the shrimp shells sliding down my throat, and how there are now two or three shrimp heads swimming around in my gut. It's not pleasant. I'm still feeling uncomfortable with it and it's been over an hour. I kept looking at that chicken as i ate it, expecting there to be heads mixed in with it, whether it be chicken heads or more shrimp heads, i just couldn't see it right.

I took the bus back to the Jeep, and tried to read, but mostly just thought about fish heads. I remembered my mom saying something to me once about how when i was a kid, like in the single digits, i loved shrimp, but then i stopped eating them for a while after i found out that they used to have heads. Because they USED TO have heads. Just think what that kid would have done if he'd known about the experience that would be thrust upon me today. It wouldn't be good. I'm glad i finally got over that, but now...ecchh. I don't know. It's weird, too, because as a kid i understood that beef came from cows, which used to have heads, and chicken came from, well, chicken, which used to have heads, and all meat used to have a head. And that never bothered me about anything except for shrimp, and i can't say exactly why. Like i said in the beginning, it's irrational. But those are the facts.

I got to the Jeep and fished out a bottle of Fuse from under the seat that i'd been saving for a while. After checking to ensure that it wasn't warm as piss, i chugged the whole thing. I then stopped by Woodman's on the way to school to pick up a 2liter bottle of Mountain Dew, because i knew that a 20oz wasn't going to hit the spot. I need to drown myself in something...i need to keep liquids, preferably carbonated ones, sliding down my throat to scratch that itch left by those shrimp shells. I can't stop drinking. I'm not feeling well about this at all, but i've got stuff i want to get done during spring break...i can't just go home and freak out all afternoon. I feel gross but my brain is telling me to shut the fuck up and just carry on with life.

Urgh. Yeah, i briefly gave vegetarianism serious thought. But in the end, i can't see that working out for me. This was an isolated incident...no need to get carried away about it...but i might have a hard time eating all that shrimp i've got in the freezer at home. Most likely i'm going to go home tonight, open the freezer, swear vigorously at the shrimp, and then make myself a huge plate of shrimp scampi and tell myself to get over it. I'm going to challenge the shrimp. I'm not going to become a vegetarian...but i tell you what, i'm definitely not eating at QQ Express again. Yeah, i guess i found out why they call it that.

Oh yeah, something else of note...after i threw out the remains of my lunch, i cracked the fortune cookie, and i swear this fucking cookie was laughing at me. Asshole.

"Your first choice is wisest to follow in the coming month."