Total Eclipse of My Ass

2005 was a pretty good year for me. I graduated from college the first time, my band damidol hit its first prolific phase, i had been working for WPS just long enough to enjoy the work (to an extent) but not long enough to truly realize what a soul-sucking evil empire it is, and later in the year i would turn 21.

My brother also happened to graduate from high school that year. The day after, i would receive a total eclipse of my ass.

I was standing in a room of my family's (more or less) newly constructed house, aptly named "The Big Room," playing my guitar quite loudly, as will become apparent in a moment. I was alone. As i finished a song i glanced up at the clock and realized it was about time to get ready for my night job at WPS. I turned off the amp and ambled toward the stairs. I noticed, through the bay window in the living room, a small crowd of people standing on the sidewalk in front of our house. I silently wondered what was going on, but it didn't pique my interest highly enough to go investigate. What i had failed to notice, though, was that instead of a crowd of people, i should be seeing my Jeep parked on the road, framed neatly within the bay window like art.

As i ascended toward my bedroom, my cell phone rang. It was Zippo, at this time also referred to as Tube Nuts, who happened to be the drummer in my band damidol at the time.

"Dude, what happened in front of your house?!" he greeted me enthusiastically. Zippo really had no "off" switch, though, so enthusiasm was a hallmark of any conversation he was involved in.

"Oh, i don't know. I noticed some people, but..."

"It looks like somebody hit your Jeep!"

"Wait, what?" I hung up and reversed my direction. As i walked across the big room, then the dining room, and finally the living room, through the parallax a Mitsubishi Eclipse came into view. There was something unique, though, about this Eclipse. And that was that it was upside-down.

Yes, a very new-looking red convertible Mitsubishi Eclipse had gone ass over teakettle straight into the middle of the road in front of my house. I burst out laughing, maybe from shock, maybe because of the inherent humor of the situation. In any case, despite the fact that my Jeep, which had been left in first gear with the parking brake on, had been pushed 30 feet and had sustained heavy damage to the rear, i strode through the front door with a smile on my face which i could not suppress.

Near as we could figure, these kids were going at least twice the legal speed limit (which is 30) when they plowed into my ass. They must've hit the tire juuuuuust right for that kind of a flip. Speaking of just right, they scraped my gas tank. Another quarter inch to the right and they'd probably have blown themselves up.

They were lucky to have hit me, anyway, because at the trajectory they must've been on, if my truck had not been there, they'd have jumped the curb and wrapped themselves around our neighbor's large, stately oak tree.

So what had happened that these two kids, both high schoolers, had managed to assail a parked vehicle thus?

Their story was that they'd been out fishing all day. On their way home, a fish had jumped out of their bucket and become lodged under the gas pedal. They were trying to get it out when they suddenly lost control of the vehicle.

I shouldn't have to dissect this story too thoroughly to bring out the flaws. They're pretty glaring.

(a) If a fish has gotten itself underneath the gas pedal, the vehicle is not going to speed up. In fact, it is going to slow down, since you will not be pushing on the gas pedal. Unless you are trying to stomp on the fish, in which case, why did you bother to catch it in the first place?

(b) I think most reasonable people's first instinct, had a stray ichthyoid made any move to hamper control of their moving vehicle, would be to pull the fuck over.

(c) I am not a sportsman, so please correct me if i'm wrong about this, but isn't fishing protocol typically to gut and clean the fish on location, before you head home? I mean, besides that, why would you drive anywhere with a bucket full of water in your car, let alone a bucket full of water and live fish? Especially a two-year-old expensive sports car.

(d) When the tow truck arrived and flipped the car back upright, the following items did not fall out of the car: rods, reels, tackle, a fucking bucket of fish.

But the cops swallowed the story hook, line, and sinker (see what i did there?). The copy of the official police report that i was provided at my request lists their poor excuse for an excuse as fact. The cops also failed to take any photos of the scene. I did not make this oversight.

I can't complain that much, though. Their insurance paid out enough for me to buy another Jeep and a van for my band. As for that Jeep, i drove it for another three months or so while i was waiting to find another one. It did have to be totaled, though, since there was so much damage to the frame. The back wheels dogtracked badly.

Probably the best part, though? When they flipped the Eclipse back over, the waterfall of coolant, oil, and other engine fluids which issued from underneath the hood.

Oh yeah:



The oil stains are where the truck was parked.