Interstate Love Song

Maybe you've noticed, maybe you haven't, but a lot of my post titles are musical references. This one is. It's a Stone Temple Pilots song from 1994, in case you missed it. That's alright. I picked that title for this story not because it's overly appropriate, but because i couldn't come up with anything better that wouldn't give away the ending right there in the title. And there's nothing worse than knowing how a story ends before it begins.

In 2002, i was working at a warehouse in Watertown, Wisconsin. I'd gotten the job because a friend of mine, Amanda (yes, THE Amanda, before we hooked up), needed a ride there. Her grandparents own the place, and had always said she had a guaranteed job there if she ever needed or wanted one. Being fifteen, she couldn't drive, so that was pretty much the big hangup. Well, at a year and a half older, i'd gotten my license not so long before, and we struck a deal that involved her paying me for gas and me getting a better job than the pizza place i'd been shackled to.

After Amanda got her license, she stopped paying me for gas and we began to alternate driving duties. Even though we both lived in the same tiny (Population: 3000ish) town, the routes that we took to the warehouse were radically different depending on who was picking up who. When she drove me, we got to take back roads, but when i picked her up, the interstate was involved.

On this particular night, i believe we'd worked quite a bit later than we were technically supposed to, and were therefore driving down a dark and completely deserted interstate back to her house. I was keeping an even 75, a mere ten over the speed limit, because not so long before i had gotten my first speeding ticket. There's not much of a story to that; i totally deserved it.

I saw the cop sitting in the median from a mile away. But even at the age of seventeen, i knew that by the time you see the cop, they've already got you. There's really no point to slowing down, and in fact if they see your brake lights, they consider that an admission of guilt. I'd like to jump on my soapbox about assholes who slam on their brakes and shoot down to less than the speed limit when they see a cop and how dangerous they are, but i'll abstain for now.

So, i sailed straight past him, continuing at 75 miles per hour. I turned my attention to my rear view mirror, and sure enough, he pulled out and started following us. I watched intently as he closed the gap, and took my foot off the gas a little, slowing down to 70 without using the brakes.

This was all happening in the left lane. I always drive in the left lane, i'm much more comfortable there. As soon as the cop achieved "riding my ass" status, i hit my blinker and moved over to the right, which is exactly my protocol for when anybody comes up on me in the left lane like that. The second i did, he put on his lights and sirens and pulled me over.

As stated, i'd had my license less than a year and already had one speeding ticket in the can, so i was a little nervous. I don't recall whether Amanda and i made any conversation at that point, i was just eying the cop car in my rear view and fumbling my license out of my wallet. Suddenly, the high-powered search light on the Crown Victoria came on, burning my retinas since i had been staring right at it. I cussed loudly.

After a considerable wait, the officer finally made his leisurely jaunt over to my Jeep. I had already rolled down the window. I'm pretty sure this conversation is transcribed verbatim, the words are pretty strongly etched into my mind.

"Good evening," the officer said.

"Good evening," i replied.

"Well, the reason that i'm pulling you over tonight is for your bumper sticker."

I paused, a little shocked. I was unsure what bumper sticker he was referring to at first, but then i realized that i had but one lonely sticker adorning my rear. It read, "Bad Cop! No Donut!"

"...What?" i questioned.

"Naaah, i'm just kidding. Did you know that you've got a headlight out?"

I was stunned. After another brief pause, i replied with much gusto: "No officer! I didn't!" This was true.

He took my license back to his car where he made out a written warning for equipment failure. Amanda and i exchanged relieved words as we waited (forever, again) and laughed.

When he came back, he handed me the warning and explained. "Alright, i'm giving you a written warning on the headlight, you'll need to get that fixed in two weeks, and a verbal warning on the bumper sticker!"

I thanked him and bid him a good night, and then we were on our way.