It Looks Like You Need a New Jeep

Well, it's past midnight, so i guess i technically have to say that TODAY, we are leaving for our annual pilgrimage to Indianapolis and the great GenCon. This will be my ninth consecutive GenCon; my first was 2002, the last year it was held in Milwaukee.

So, to commemorate the holiday, i'm reposting my blog about my spectacular journey to GenCon in 2005, the last year i drove down alone, which is pretty fucking epic. Some edits have been made from the original 2005 post.

[originally published on MySpace]

WEDNESDAY
Despite my best efforts to leave on Wednesday morning between 8:00 and 10:00, i didn't get on the road until about quarter to 11. Considering that, if i drive straight through at 75, the journey is six hours, and badge registration started at four, and i wanted to drive 65 to save gas...yeah. That would put me there at approximately 6, which would still be ok since registration went until nine. Well, 30 miles into my 360 mile trek, i'm cruising down I-90 at 75 (i eventually decided that i'd rather save an hour than a little gas), it suddenly started raining...but not on everybody, just on my windshield. Raining out from under my hood. So i pulled over and inspected my engine, but could find nothing wrong. So, after speaking to Correy about different possibilities of what had just happened over the cell phone, i ended up having to just haul ass to the nearest exit, my temperature gauge well past 360 (the far right edge, deep in the red) the whole way. It was 12 miles to Beloit, but i found an exit (marked "Bumfuct, Egypt") in about two miles. I pulled over at the gas station right off the exit and popped the hood again. Upon closer inspection i discovered a hole in the huge hose in the middle of my engine. I don't pretend to know much about car maintenance but this seemed pretty...well, not good.

Correy had me wrap the hose up as best as possible in duct tape. This thing was fucking hot, and had two other hoses right up next to it, which the heat prevented me from getting between, so i just wrapped the whole thing up in duct tape. At the gas station i bought a jug of coolant and got directions to the nearest parts store. Actually, the guy told me that there was a service station right next door, but it was almost impossible to get in without an appointment. I didn't have that kind of time to sit around and wait. He assured me it was only two miles to the parts store, so i dumped the coolant in and took off.

It was more like four miles. The engine died just as i was trying to turn into the parts store, so i had to fire it back up and then back up out of the lane of oncoming traffic, which almost hit me, and there was steam billowing out of every crack between the hood and body.

When i finally pulled into the parts store and rolled up to the foremost parking stall, there was a guy standing right inside watching from the window. I walked into the store and he said, "Let me guess. You need a new Jeep." I liked how he said "New Jeep" and not "New car" or "New vehicle." I suspect that he owns one too. So i bought the hose that i needed as well as another jug of coolant and borrowed a screwdriver to perform the surgery. Ten minutes later i went back in for a pair of pliers. It only took about fifteen minutes and i was back up and running and ready to go, so i did. But, i was still running hot. In fact, i got only about twenty miles away from there and the needle was buried in the red again, so i stopped at a gas station just off the interstate in Rockford, Illinois.

While i was on the phone with Correy, i discovered that the hose immediately to my new one's right was swelling considerably at its base. Correy recommended that i remove that end of that hose and put it back on, because i might have a bubble in the system or something. So i went in to borrow a screwdriver. They didn't have one handy, so the guy took one off the shelf for me to use, and said just bring it back. Well, i got it all greasy and stuff, and it's one of those 4-in-one things, so i just bought it. I figured i'd probably need it again later (and i did!). I lost a lot of coolant by taking that hose off and putting it back on, so i filled 'er up again and got on my way. Twenty miles later, the engine started barfing coolant onto the hood again. That hose, the one to the right of the new one, did not only have a hole in it, it had split three or four inches up from the base. I spent a very long time on the side of the freeway trying to figure out what to do, and eventually determined that i must try to get to the nearest exit, which was a ways up but i made it (barely). Steward, Illinois. NO SERVICES, the sign read. You're not much of a steward with no services, bastard. I called Sam, my friend in Indiana whose house i was on the way to, because i knew she had a map (my road atlas never seemed to have taken the journey from the red Jeep to the blue Jeep [for the story on why this shift was necessary, check out my previous blog Total Eclipse of My Ass]). She determined that my best bet for a city to get to for parts would be to turn around and go back North to Rochelle, four miles away. So i headed back up the interstate. Four miles later, i was seeing no signs of Rochelle, only an exit for a different interstate (88, i think). I saw a city off to my left so i jumped on 88 to see what it was. Another mile and a half of interstate and i landed in Rochelle. The first thing i saw was a Shell station, my engine was billowing again and this time also screaming with vengeance. I talked to the girl in the gas station, and she told me that the nearest parts store was three miles up the road. My Jeep was not going to make that by any means. So i locked it up and was just about to start walking when my dad called me. I spent a few minutes on the phone with him, in fact just enough time, i was hanging up with him when this guy pulled up next to my truck with his huge Dodge and said, "The girl inside says you need a ride to the parts store." I thanked him profusely and we headed off. By car it took five minutes or so to get there. Watching everything i would have had to walk through made me glad i hadn't, especially considering the heat. At the parts store, i picked up a length of hose, a knife (a really cool one), a jug of coolant, a splicer, and some clamps, because the undamaged end of this hose has a special fitting on it so i was going to have to splice it. Back at the Shell station, the operation was successful, and i was back on my way.

Further down the road, i discovered that the operation was more than just successful. The truck had a history of running hot for as long as we'd owned it, and now it was running an even 210, right in the center, right where it should be. The next 300 miles were without incident...until i started nearing Indianapolis. It was getting dark, and i discovered that i had no dash lights. This was a recent development, i had never had that happen to me until right then. Also, it was 8:00 and i still had about 25 miles to Indy. Registration closed at 9. I called Sam up and asked her to just meet me at the convention center, to save some time. Well, long story short, i got horribly lost in Indy, but Sam found me and then guided me in to the RCA Dome. I got through the line for badges at 8:55 PM. Sam informed me that she had no electricity at her apartment through some colossal screw-up between the power company, her landlord, and herself, and thus no good food in the fridge, and because of the reactivation fee on the power couldn't afford her own badge for GenCon this year. We ate at Steak 'n Shake, where these two adults picked up this 8 year old kid and threw him in the air for his birthday. The waitress was wearing waaaaay too much makeup. I saw someone wearing the Penny Arcade "Fruit Fucker" shirt. It was the first of many Penny Arcade shirts i would see over the weekend. On the way back to Sam's apartment, the front end of my Jeep started shaking violently, a problem that Correy used to have constantly but he'd told me that he'd fixed it. Since Sam had been leading, i ended up pulling off at an exit without her, and she had to come back to get me. I was in a Family Video parking lot in the ghetto when she finally found me.

The rest of the trip back to her apartment was ok, except that i still didn't have dash lights. Back at her apartment, she introduced me to the Love Sack, which is like a giant beanbag chair, except not filled with beans. The thing is sooooooooooo comfortable. If i ever live alone i'm getting one of those instead of a bed. Jessica and her boyfriend Scott came over and chilled with us for a while. Jessica says "What the fuck," all the time, and she sounds just like my college English teacher (Bernie) when she says it (he used to say that all the time too).

And finally, i got to sleep.