Stupid People and The Pool

The Pool is not my story, but a friend who was present when this happened requested that i write it up. So i'm going to. I'm going to go over some stupid people that i've known first, though, to kind of set the stage for The Pool.

I've known Val for a long time...probably eight years at least. Back in high school, we used to hang out with some pretty stupid people. People like Val. Val is the reason that blondes are maligned with all those terrible jokes and stereotypes. All of them. Val's fault. Of course the breeding stock probably wasn't that great to begin with; after all, if her and her sister had been boys, their parents would have named them Wilbur and Orville. It makes me sad that i know this. I'd cite specific Val stories here but i think i've blocked most of them out.

I may have started with Val, primarily because she's the star of The Pool, but she was far from an isolated case back then. There was Britney Spears, not the real Britney Spears but somebody we called that. She would flirt with guys online and when they asked what she looked like, she'd tell them, "I look like Britney Spears, but with bigger tits!" This was not the case. Anyone who believed that probably had never been on the internet before.

Britney Spears dated a guy for a while called Thornton, who was by far the stupidest human being on the planet. They should've stayed together, because they were a perfect match. Thornton kept Barbie dolls in his shower and shit his pants occasionally. Probably the thing i remember best about Thornton was the time we went to Spencer's Gifts in the mall. Not the two of us alone, hell no, but a group of us that happened to include Thornton. He found some shot glasses with some kind of snarky sayings on them and got excited.

"Ohh man! Check these out! Someone should buy these for me for my twenty-oneth birthday!" he exclaimed.

"Your twenty-oneth birthday?" i questioned.

"Yeah! My twenty-oneth birthday is next week!"

He was soon distracted by a shelf full of bobblehead dolls. "Oh man check it out! It's Joey Ramone! What band was he in again?"

I can understand if you don't know who Joey Ramone is, but if you know the name, i think the answer to this question is pretty obvious. "Um...The Ramones..."

Val had the greatest longevity with the group out of all of these, for some reason. Eventually we grew up and got out of high school and Val found an attraction to men with damaged faces. She met this guy who'd recently had a chimney fall on his face, and they got married and, by the neglect of a benevolent god, procreated not once but twice.

Some time later, our brilliant couple invested in a swimming pool. They got one of those pools that came into vogue a couple years ago where you inflate the ring at the top, then start filling it and the water elevates the ring, which brings up the sides. The first instruction in the manual, something which should seem like common sense to most of us, is to put the pool on a flat, level surface. The first instruction. Well, they didn't even make it that far.

I don't know which of them set the deflated pool out on the side of a hill, but that happened. They inflated the ring, and they started to fill the pool. Everything was sort of working as directed, the ring was rising, and the flat pile of rubber on their hill was becoming a pool.

Cyndi, who was present to witness this travesty of human intellect, reports that once the pool was starting to get about halfway full, Val finally noticed that it was a little wonky. "Wonky" is Cyndi's word, not mine. Val and her chimney-faced husband then began a debate as to the exact circumstances which led to the pool's wonkiness.

Finally Val comes to a conclusion. "I know why it's lopsided!" she shouts. "It's because there's too much water on this side!"

She then proceeded to pull the hose out of the deeper, lower end, and move it to the end on the higher ground.