Lefty Solo, Pearl Smuggler

I've got a suspicion that my mom sometimes reads my blog. So i'm going to go ahead and file this one under, "Things A Mother Should Not Know About Her Son." Not that this will deter her from reading it.

When i was in seventh grade, i sprained my right wrist. Funny thing is, now i can't even remember how that happened. All i know is that this spurious sprain would forever alter one of my most basic hobbies/habits: i started masturbating with my left hand. At first it was awkward, of course, but since i had the advantage of growing up in the Internet Age (very early in the Internet Age, but in it nonetheless; this was about 1997 or '98, and i'd say that even though it had been around for a few decades, the Internet didn't really catch on until '95ish), i soon realized that this was an advantage. It leaves the right hand free to operate the mouse.

A group of my friends and i had a long-running inside joke about inventing a one-handed keyboard for this purpose. It wouldn't necessarily have to be left-handed.

So, far into the future, on one of those crazy high school nights, i found myself at a forensics meet in a far-off land (by "far-off land" i mean the next town over, about four miles out). As i returned from delivering my prose, i happened into a conversation between two of my contemporaries just in time to hear one of them accusing the other of spending a large amount of time with his right hand, or something to that effect.

I broke in, "Dammit, am i the only guy who uses his left hand to masturbate?"

My friend Abby, herself just walking into the conversation in time to hear my contribution, inquired: "Well, are you left-handed?"

"No," i answered.

Then, right in the middle of this foreign lunchroom, she shouted out, "YOU IDIOT! You've been doing it WRONG! You need to use your right hand to get MORE POWER!!"