Semi-Public Nudity

I apparently have a problem with public nudity.

This might come as a shock to many who know or have known me, particularly while drunk.

Amanda and i got out to the gym far later than usual on Sunday night. It was actually about 2am Monday when we walked in. There was exactly one car in the parking lot. There were exactly zero people using the equipment as we trod into the locker rooms. And so i said to myself, thank god! There will definitely not be any naked old men standing in the middle of the room, facing one another with arms crossed, talking about what the fuck ever it is that naked old men talk about while naked and in locker rooms.

So, when we finished our workout around 3:30, there were a few more people starting to pop up at the gym, perhaps the beginnings of the "before work" crowd. So i walked into the locker room, and was immediately presented with two naked old men, standing there, facing each other with arms crossed, loudly (loudly!) discussing...ingrown hairs. I spent the entire time it took me to change trying my damnedest to ignore their astoundingly single-minded discussion about ingrown hairs, the reasons they get them, how they might be related to their particular brand of razor, and exactly what size is appropriate to "pop them like a pimple." As i'm sure any standard human being is aware, when you are trying your damnedest to ignore something, it makes it that much harder to succeed.

Honestly, can't you put your clothes on first? Or at least make an effort to be changing while you have this highly inappropriate discussion? I'm not ok with this. Not. Ok.

As i was telling Amanda about this on our way out, she inquired as to whether this happens often. I said, let me put it this way:

Last time that we went to the gym together, a couple days prior, we went swimming. When i came back in, in order to find a vacant shower stall, i had to pass between two occupied stalls in which naked old men were standing, with the curtains open, facing one another. You can imagine my discomfort.

I have a well-documented aversion to interacting with others while my wang is out. Or while their wang is out. Amanda thinks this is funny. Amanda always finds my discomfort funny.

Amanda is also concerned that i may be a homophobe.

My friend Jesse also brought this point up once, while i was telling the New Zealand shower room story at school last year. Jesse, also known as my conservative friend Jesse, also known as my rural Wisconsin redneck goat farming Conservative friend Jesse (i only use these descriptors because i feel it's important to set the tone for his comments), finds an interesting paradigm between more accepting persons (liberals) and actual homophobes. He says, where he's from, where being gay is generally not tolerated, guys talk while peeing all the time, and also in other wang-out type situations. They don't really think about it. Whereas in areas where homosexuality is largely accepted, people get weird about their genitals in the presence of others. He, too, then accused us city-dwelling folk of being in denial of our own homophobia. At the time, i made a vague half-agreement, saying it was something interesting to consider.

After further thought, i decided that he's wrong. Because i don't want strange women talking to me while i'm peeing either. It's got nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the fact that i am peeing, or showering, or any other activity that i generally do in private. I'm not comfortable with two naked old ladies standing in the middle of the locker room discussing their ingrown hairs either.

As far as i'm concerned, when you need to be naked in a locker room, you should do it as quickly as possible and without thrusting your nudity upon others. Conduct your business and get out. This is not an ice cream social at the Happy Valley Nudist Colony. I am uncomfortable with your body.

I'm guessing that Amanda will be the only one to find this post humorous. Anyone else is probably going, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Meh.

Anyway, if anyone wants to engage in the wang-out/homophobia discussion, feel free to leave a comment. Some comments would be nice. I rarely get those. And usually when i do, they don't make any damn sense.

Update: I feel that this validates my position.

Update 8/24/2011: Also this.