Hot Stormtrooper Lovin'

So Amanda + i were just reading this very informative Cracked.com article, the last point of which had to do with stormtroopers. And so Amanda got to musing.

First of all, let's address the original idea that the stormtroopers are just guys who happened to sign up for service in the Empire, none of this clone bullshit from the prequel trilogy. Do stormtroopers have families? Where do their families live? Are there now just like a million widows out there in the Empire who are against the Rebel Alliance since the destruction of the first and/or second Death Stars? And all their children who are going to swear revenge on the Rebel Alliance for killing their fathers! The Rebel Alliance is DOOMED! So all these children will become the new Rebels, standing against the New Republic, and who the hell knows what they stand for besides revenge? Maybe we'll just get three million bounty hunters. And really, all of their dads weren't bad guys. They were just doing a job, or their duty, military service to the Empire. And really, these guys were probably children if that when the Empire came into power, so the Empire is all that they know. They don't even remember the fall of the Old Republic.

But then, what if all of their families were living ON the Death Star? It makes perfect sense, if you take the Star Trek model where there were families on the Enterprise. Under this theory, the Rebels have committed a genocide at least as bad as two Alderaans! And what about all of the cooks, and probably shopkeepers, and such aboard the Death Star? The stormtroopers can't be on duty all the time! They have to eat sometime, right? And sleep, and get their hair cut, and buy clothes...they've got plenty of things. They need to do all the stuff that normal human beings do. So the Rebels have just killed all of these people who were just trying to go about their normal every day lives! And all the small businessmen, who just thought it was a sturdy business model to cater to all the spacebound people on that giant station. Now we also have to deal with the widows and orphans from the cooks and shopkeeps! ANOTHER Rebel Alliance poised to take down the New Republic.

So that's one aspect. But what if the stormtroopers are, in fact, all clones as demonstrated in those abominations that came out more recently. If the stormtroopers are clones, we still have to consider their families. Where do their families live? Even if they're clones, they're still the clone of a man, who has his basic desires and needs. He's going to want a family, and need food and shelter, and even if he doesn't want a family, he's gonna want something to fuck. Clones still have basic human needs and desires. Just because he's a clone doesn't mean he's not a person. Or does the Empire just say, "you are just a clone. You have no rights. Fuck you." If that's the case, why haven't the stormtroopers rebelled yet? Then the Empire's just fucked! These people are not going to work for you. So then, what about women who are married to stormtroopers? How do women tell their husband from all the rest of these clones? Even if they see him in uniform, they could go up to a random stormtrooper and be like, "Hi honey! Oh, wait...you're not my husband." So how do they tell them apart? Do they, like, brand him in the face at the wedding? Like, "I do." "I do." BAM! Right in the forehead. This would explain why they have to wear the big stormtrooper helmet. This would also help women identify whether the man is single or not. Forget this wedding ring bullshit, where they can slip it on and off. He's got a brand on his head! It should curtail cheating a lot. Women couldn't be like, "oh, i didn't know!" "Bullshit! HE HAD A BRAND ON HIS FOREHEAD!" Then there's the babies of the clones. How similar are all these babies going to be? And then if they're raising clone babies on the Death Star, when those babies grow up, are there going to be inbreeding issues? This opens a whole new can of worms. All these carefully-calculated clone genetics are going to start breaking down! Man, that would be fucked up.

Also, what about all the people who went into the Empire who would've been Rebels had they just been given a chance? Luke was going to go into the Academy to be a TIE Fighter pilot before he met Ben Kenobi and his family got killed. What about all these people who would've been like, "Hey, i could make a difference! The Empire DOES suck! Fuck this stormtrooper shit! Maybe i'll be hunted like a wild animal and killed, but at least i'll be doing it for something i believe in!" The Rebels just killed a huge potential base of supporters on that Death Star.



...so that's about as much of Amanda's rant as i could transcribe. She was going pretty fast there, there were some real gems. After this, she continued on about Luke and Leia not fucking during the three years between Episodes IV and V. She was pretty on about this.

Louder (and more disgusting) Than Love

Here's a short one that i was recently reminded of.

One lazy Sunday morning when we lived at Woodridge, we were sitting in the living room doing nothing in particular. I had to make a trip back to the bedroom to retrieve something. Our bedroom shared a wall with the building manager's bedroom. The building manager was a fat, disgusting, lazy liar named Lucas. I'd love to give his full name, since he's kind of become a public figure in the Madison music scene recently, but i'll take the high road for now. Until it becomes profitable to blackmail him. I'm probably kidding.

With my objective in hand, i started to walk out of the bedroom, but stopped when i heard a woman moaning. I paused for a moment, but the moaning stopped. Was Lucas watching porn?

After a moment, i heard the moaning again. No, i decided. Lucas is definitely having sex.

Amanda called back from the living room, wondering what was taking so long. In a loud whisper, i beckoned for her to come to the bedroom.

"Why?" she asked.

"Lucas is having sex!"

"No way!"

So she came back to the bedroom, and we stood there quietly for several minutes, but there was nothing.

Amanda now thought i was mistaken or something, so she decided to return to the living room and forget all about Lucas's appalling sex life.

She'd no sooner set foot in the hallway when Lucas's voice practically shattered the wall with: "OOOOOHHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!! FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME!!!"

We both stood there for a moment, choking back laughter and tears as best we could, lest we alert Lucas to our aural voyeurism. Back in the living room, we just let out for minutes.

The Farewell Address

I was rooting through some old files and i happened to find the farewell address that i sent out to all of my coworkers on my last day at WPS. So i thought i'd share.



To: (names removed to protect the guilty)
From: Trevor Triggs/WPSIC
Date: 04/26/2007 07:18PM
Subject: So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Well everybody, it's been a long time. Some of you have been with me for longer than others, all the way from training through here, having four supervisors in 2 1/2 years (if you count Mark) and traveling all the way from Nordby to CP1 (a good change), but this is the end of the road for me. I'm off to bigger, better, and far lazier things, such as watching television and sleeping. I wanted to write a really long winded speech about, you know, stuff, but i can't really think of anything else right now. I'll probably think of a great College Graduation-level speech in my car on my way home, but forget it by the time i get there. So, i guess there's really nothing left to say except so long, we've had some great times, and call me next time you have a potluck. And since i'm not going to be around, everybody else needs to step up the level of crap they give Ben, I'm not sure Angelica can handle it on her own, although she is pretty good at it. You can always get a hold of me by email at [removed].




In conclusion, you guys are great, and i'm really going to miss you all.




Except for Becca.

---

Trevor Triggs
Captain, WPS Corporate Swim Team