Scum and Villainy (part 3)

9. Bieber Fever
Justin Bieber is not the worst thing ever
It’s just the latest in a long product cycle
Three more years, he she or it will all be over
We must dispose shit to keep the industry vital

This song will be relevant long after Justin Bieber is dead
The fever will get transferred to someone else instead.
This song will be relevant long after J. Biebs is gone
And the product cycle has to just move along

It’s so sad that i’ve got to use a reference
Just to make this song make any sense
A couple more years and i’ll have to change the words
Maybe if i’m lucky they’ll be misheard (Where’s my safety pins?!)

I wonder if Donny Osmond ever saw this coming.
The fall of Brett Michaels, the demise of Britney Spears
N*Sync, Boyz II Men, Menudo and Ricky Martin
Ashlee Simpson, that other Simpson, more than one other person i forgot
They all start out at the top, and they all end up with me at the bottom
They’ve just got one way to go.
Just one way.
And i’m already here so i’m saving time.
Fuck those guys.

--

On the surface, it seems like it’s about the disposability of pop music...and it is, i guess...but to me it’s more about the people who always freak out about how the current “big thing” is the “worst thing ever” and the harbinger of the end times, or whatever. Like how you go to Memebase and like every other joke nowadays is “Kill Justin Bieber.” Frankly, it’s boring. Two years ago, all the jokes were “Kill the Jonas Brothers” and now, nobody remembers who the hell they were. This kind of attitude goes back at least to the 60s with The Monkees. It’s just a cycle. Don’t kill Justin Bieber. Let him get old and fat, that’ll be much more fun when he pops up on VH1’s Where Are They Now.

“Where’s my safety pins!?” - This is a ridiculous in-joke between me and Bob, and a few other people outside the band. If you must make it a metaphor, though, i’ve thought of saying that it references how the teenagers who are into pop today tend to turn to rock later in life. Like punk. Punk is big on safety pins.

As for that last part, if you don’t know who these people are/were, you’re going to have to look them up yourself. “That other Simpson” refers to Jessica Simpson, who was actually famous before her little sister Ashlee. I was hoping that my phrasing here would be perceived as a dis against Jessica. She always irritated me more than most plastic pop packages.

10. Old Man
Wish i was an old man that looked like a wizard
Or maybe an old man who resembled a pirate
With so many choices and so many styles
It’s a wonder more people don’t want to try it
Wish i was an old man, just like my cat is
He’s 18 now and that makes him respected
And when i’m an old man, think i’ll grow a long white beard
And hide things in it that are unexpected

Wish i was an old man, wish i had gnarly hands
Because that would make me look so much wiser
Wish i was an old man with a poofy mustache
Because that would make me look so much hotter
Wish i was an old man with weathered eyes
Because that would make me look so much wiser
Wish i was an old man, wish i had a tophat
Because that would make me look so much hotter

As an old man, i hope i look like Abe Lincoln
With a gaunt face and a suit and a tie
Because Old Abe looks much better than Santa
As an old man, i hope someone bakes me pie
I hope that my wife will make the neighbor kids cookies
That smell like heaven every Sunday morning
But those little bastards have to outrun my hose
I hide in the bushes and i strike without warning

And when i’m an old man
I’m gonna drive a red Corvette
Gonna drive it so damn fast
With my dark sunglasses on
I’ll race seventeen cops
Back to my retirement home
Yeah.
These are things i’ve gotta do before i pass on

--

I have an odd preoccupation with aging. This is the result of that.

“He’s 18 now and that makes him respected” - I do indeed have an 18-year-old cat. When i first wrote this song, which we recorded first for the Doodle Taintstein Sings the Blues EP, he was 14. I’ve kept the lyrics updated every year since.

“And hide things in it that are unexpected” - Not a reference, i just wanted to point out that i think this is one of the best lyrics i’ve ever written.

“Little bastards have to outrun my hose” - Look, just because i’m encouraging my wife to cook for them doesn’t mean i’m not going to fuck with them. They’ve gotta earn those cookies. Little bastards.

11. Pizza Ladder
Come on now, don’t be shy
You’ve got a decent alibi
Gonna have to do what’s right
Sooner or later, but not tonight

I ate a pizza and i fell off of a ladder
Not necessarily in that order
I’m a little off today, my brain is kinda scattered
And i think i will simply walk right into Mordor

It’s been a long time coming
As long as your mouth’s been running
I don’t really feel that bad
But i hope that you’re not mad

The transition is complete
We no longer have to compete
And now there is no stopping
I’ll climb the ladder to the toppings

--

This song is about procrastination. You can also think of it as a breakup song, that’s ok too. The deeper meanings i’m keeping to myself.

“I ate a pizza and i fell off of a ladder, not necessarily in that order” - This is an exact quote from Thomas while we were writing this song. Earlier in the morning, he had in fact fallen off of a ladder, and then eaten an entire pizza. As you might imagine, he was a little out of it that day. This was his bizarre, disjointed way of explaining something completely random and out of the blue that had nothing to do with anything.

“And i think i will simply walk right into Mordor” - “One does not simply walk into Mordor!” It’s a quote from Lord of the Rings. Boromir says it. It later became an internet meme.

“I’ll climb the ladder to the toppings” - This is another one of Lisa’s contributions. All i said was, “I’m working on a song called Pizza Ladder” and this came out of her mouth immediately.

12. Lunch Lady Returns
Lunch lady, i’m kind of upset with this
Meatloaf you gave me
I’m afraid that it might be out of date
There’s all this mold and this hair in this
Meatloaf you gave me
And i think that it’s eating through the plate

Lunch lady, i can’t abide by this
Meatloaf you gave me
It’s burned all the feeling from my nose
Lunch lady, what’s wrong with you and this
Meatloaf you gave me?
I think it’s time for this cafeteria to close

--

The sequel to the title track to 2002’s Lunch Lady EP, the very first damidol release. I’m thinking that in another nine years, there’ll be a song called Lunch Lady Forever, followed by Lunch Lady And Robin.

This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

Scum and Villainy (part 2)

5. Nintendo Girl
I like to watch her score
Her score is higher than mine
It’s all in her beautiful thumbs
I’d like to take her to World 9

My princess is in this castle
Now i know that i don’t need to go through another level
Up up down down left right left right B A select start - that’s the key to her heart
Now i know that i don’t need to go to another castle

I put on her Power Glove (it’s so bad!)
And it fit just right
She took controller #1
I was her Luigi all night

Game Genie gave us infinite lives
There’s lots of co-op in our plans
When she scores, she’ll do it with me
We have an 8-bit romance

--

I think the title of this one kind of says it all. It’s a love song about a girl who’s really into the Nintendo. Although my girlfriend was always a Sega girl, and we’re both primarily Xbox players now. Nintendo just makes for such better references. I don’t think i could do a love song with Halo references.

“Her score is higher than mine” - My girlfriend’s gamerscore is higher than mine, actually. By about 2000.

“Take her to World 9” - there were only 8 worlds in the original Super Mario Bros. game. So presumably, World 9 is where you go after you rescue the princess.

Line 3 in the chorus is the Konami code. If you’re unfamiliar, you’re going to have to look this one up.

“I put on her Power Glove and it fit just right” - the rare triple entendre! First of all, there’s the actual power glove, a bizarre accessory for the NES that was actually kind of a predecessor to the Wii, but 20 years earlier. Second, it means condom. You should have gotten that one. Thirdly, as a videographer who went through a respected film school, this is also in fact a reference to the film On The Waterfront. Marlon Brando FTW!

“I put on her Power Glove (it’s so bad!)” - A reference to the film The Wizard, a film from the late 80s that was basically a 90 minute Nintendo commercial, spotlighting the Power Glove. “I love the Power Glove - it’s so bad” would go on to become an internet meme two decades later.

“She took controller #1, i was her Luigi all night” - Please tell me you get this one. If you don’t, i’m so old. In Super Mario Bros., controller #1 was Mario, #2 was Luigi. I think this was true of all of the NES Mario games except for Mario 2.

“Game Genie gave us infinite lives” - Same qualifier as above. Game Genie was an add-on that would allow you to input cheat codes before you even accessed the game, most commonly stuff like infinite lives. This is also a metaphor for marriage, or something like it.

“We have an 8-bit romance” - The original Nintendo system had an 8-bit processor. That may not even mean anything to the kids these days... In the old days of gaming (read: the 90s), systems were made or broken by the bits in their processors. Nintendo even spotlighted its huge processor with the Nintendo 64, which had (surprise!) a 64-bit processor.

Punk Rock Now
There’s too much water in the Kool-Aid and it kind of tastes like crap
All the hipsters are asking their doctors to smear them for pap
We’re part of Generation Poser - there’s not much left to say
The last original song is already brittle and gray
It’s like i’m drowning in this Kool-Aid, and it kind of tastes like filth
Since when does punk rock have to do with wealth?
If you can’t do it yourself, don’t do it at all
Punk rock does not come from the mall

Here in this punk rock now

Music to slit your wrists to don’t appeal to me
If i cannot enjoy it, it doesn’t fill my needs
Yeah, i’ve got nothing nice to say about the emo kids
But that’s probably exactly the way that they want this
I see you rocking the same haircut that your mommy did
When she was 15, living at home, reference ibid
It’s not a question of your generation
It’s interference from corporations

Here in this punk rock now
Forget your punk rock now
Crap on your punk rock now
Bollocks to punk rock now
Fuck your punk rock

--

This song is largely about Hot Topic, and such. The manufacture of punk bands for a pop audience has bothered many for a long time. Punk used to be a genuine, underground, DIY movement, and then it got subsidized. I think it reached a nadir in the mid-00s, when i was watching TV and a fucking commercial came on for a band of 14 year olds dressed in leather with mohawks, doing music that could only be considered punk in its simple chord arrangements. They were called Detention or some such thing, i’m not really sure, i just remember it was a reference to getting in trouble at your middle school.

“There’s too much water in the Kool-Aid” - You know how that goes. Here, the Kool-Aid means punk culture, and there’s too much Simple Plan in it.

“All the hipster boys are asking their doctors to smear them for pap” - I’m hoping this is being read somewhere in the far future, where hipsters have been forgotten. It’s like Mitch Clem once said, “There’s something wrong with your scene when the easiest way to get into a girl’s pants is to get into girl pants.”

“Since when does punk rock have to do with wealth?” - SELLOUTZ

“If you can’t do it yourself” - This is what punks mean when they say DIY. Do It Yourself. It seems strange that i have to explain this but i know for fact there are people who don’t get it.

“Punk rock does not come from the mall!” - Hot Topic. Like my friend Abby once said, “As soon as there’s a store for it, it’s not punk anymore.”

“Music to slit your wrists to” - Emo. Hopefully this trend, too, has died by the time you read this, random future person.

“I’ve got nothing nice to say” - a direct reference to the aforementioned Mitch Clem.

“Rocking the same haircut that your mommy did” - another reference to hipsters/emos. They tend to like haircuts that were popular for young girls in previous decades.

“Reference ibid” - Reference is the same. As in, i’m talking about hipsters and emos, for reference, see hipsters and emos. Not exactly what ibid means, but close enough. Lisa helped me out with this line.

“Bollocks to punk rock now” - I wanted to slip “bollocks” in there to reference punk’s British roots. Never mind the bollocks. Here’s the Sex Pistols.

Zero
Cracked open another jar of strawberry malaise
No one really wants to hear what i need to say
I’ll just keep it to myself because i know it’s safe
I’m afraid that my words would be just another waste

You know that this always makes me feel like i have died
I don’t approve the way you make me feel inside
I only wish that you could once take my side
You know that there is only one way to make me come alive

I find the taste of strawberry brings out these memories
I put this suit back into the armory
Mortality is hard to address without sounding emo
Maybe it would help if i could let you know

Zero
It’s a zero
Take me, zero
It means zero

I feel so much better now and i’m not even done
If i could forget about zero, i would just be one
I think that our little chat has been for the best
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest

Come alive

--

I don’t want people to read too much into this one. I was in a weird place when i wrote it. I really wanted to write something that addressed my own mortality, but as it turned out, that seemed pretty emo. So i thought i’d do an example of how to write a sad rock song that couldn’t be considered emo by today’s standards; at the end, THINGS GET BETTER.

“Strawberry malaise” - this is a metaphor for something, i haven’t exactly decided what. But it allowed me to use “strawberry” again in the song to reference “malaise” without having to say that word again. I love slipping big words into songs, but it would be easy to overdo it.

“I put this suit back into the armory” - Dropping my defenses. Letting someone in. Getting rid of the suit of armor.

Then there’s another jab at the emos...

I Am A Machine

I’m not going to post the lyrics or explain the references in this one, because that’s the whole point of the song. It’s one giant reference to something. Bonus points if you can figure it out by the end of the second verse.



Stay tuned for part 3...

Scum and Villainy (part 1)

I'm so unbelievably excited. After all these months, the masters for damidol's first full-length album, Scum and Villainy, are in my possession. All twelve album tracks, fully mixed and mastered, and five B-sides (one original and four covers, three of which include guest vocals by the illustrious Joshua Welch).

In celebration of that, i wanted to post kind of a cheat sheet to all the weird pop-, punk-, nerd-, or internet-culture references i've included in the lyrics, since a lot of it isn't going to be immediately recognizable to the unwashed masses (read: you). Also i like talking about myself. If you haven't figured that one out yet, welcome to my blog.

All lyrics copyright 2011 Trevor Triggs and damidol, by the way, so don't steal this stuff or i'll get a lawyer to beat your larynx with a tire iron until pennies come out.

1. Drinking Gasoline
Open up your throat and take what's coming to you
That aperture is big enough to shove my rock through
Let's share our souls, man, let's share our very essence
All i want's to cop a feel on your presence
Stop trying to save your face, just let it melt
I need you to feel this below your belt
If your genitals are burning, then i'd suggest a cream
My engine's overheating and you are my gasoline

But my friends, you've got to see
That this never really was me
So tonight i'm laying off the alcohol
And drinking gasoline

I've got a lot of opinions, but no one wants to hear them
I'm sick of angry songs, they bore me into a delerium
Why are the 80s back? Weren't they bad enough the first time?
I've gotta shape this world into something that i can call mine
I'll say 'genitals' again because it feels so right
But i wanna write music that nobody else will like
So pass me that guitar, and i'll play some shit for you
When the rock reaches your stomach, your doctor won't know what to do

After drinking all my fears
And damaging my ears
I sure could use a little ambisol

--

Drinking Gasoline is one of the oldest damidol songs in our repertoire. I wrote the original version in 2005, and it's been killed and resurrected by every lineup since then (so, about four times). We brought it back this time after recording for the album actually began. I played the guitar riff for the guys once, and then we played through it as a band twice, and then went straight to recording it immediately after that. I think it turned out rather nicely. But this time, i decided that the original lyrics were terrible, and they got almost completely rewritten. The two choruses are the same, and a couple of other lines, but it's mostly new.

Lines 3 and 4 in the first verse are a reference to an old damidol song called Roy Orbison is Rolling in His Grave. We stopped playing it after Natalie exited the band, and she took the song sans lyrics to her new band, Venus in Furs. Bob and i agree that they play it better anyway. Line 5 is a reference to another Natalie-era damidol song, Face Melter, which we quit playing after our third or fourth show without her.

As for the thing about the 80s, if you haven't noticed that 2011 is shaping up to be the return of that despicable decade, you need to walk around a college campus for about 15 minutes when it's warm outside. You'll be horrified.

2. I Don't Care if You're Still Drunk
I do not care if you're still drunk
I do not care if you're still drunk
I do not care
If you're still drunk

Oh god, i feel like i'm drowning backwards
It's coming up instead of going down
So pour me another mixed in equal parts
I'll contain myself with another round

I don't really feel
That it's a big deal
I had a good meal
Before i came to you

Give me a bigger cup
You gotta fill it up
With a good dollop
Of your strongest booze

Remember the time that we played at the Wisco
and somebody pooped right in the sink?
It was our first CD release show
That was my favorite time, yeah, i think

It's so hard to be a polka band
But in Wisconsin, that's all we've got
So won't you line up those shots for me?
You know that i like this quite a lot.

--

Yeah, it's mostly about drinking, but there's a bunch of stuff in there about being a band, too. Which generally involves drinking. And i used the word dollop. I'll let you decide if i gain or lose points for that.

The second verse is a true story. When we played at the Wisco for the release party for our EP William Shatner's Pecs in 2009, somebody took a dump on the sink in the women's bathroom.

"It's so hard to be a polka band" was an alternate lyric for the old damidol song Denial (circa 2004). On the recording (from the Meaning of Life EP, 2004) the line is "I watched denial slip away," but live, i had about four lines that i rotated between. I was glad for an opportunity to reuse this one. One of the others, which i should probably get into a song again at some point, was "Don't smoke crack any more...than you have to."

3. Pukeflower
Get out of my beautiful garden!
I cultivate a better kind of plant
You weren't born a Rose and you can't fool me
Flowers don't wear such ugly pants

A Rose by any other name
Would not make the other flowers puke
You smell so goddamn bad that i'm ashamed
I'd be associated with you

Stay out of my beautiful garden!
To me, you are just a weed
You're a rose, but with no petals
Adorned with thorns to make me bleed

I thought i told you to get out of my garden!
It's not so beautiful anymore
Now i'm gonna have to burn the whole damn thing
Thank the gods you never had a chance to spore

--

This song is a heavy-handed metaphor for the most useless human being i've ever encountered, a co-worker whose name you can probably guess. She's a dirty hippie. She smells terrible, has no work ethic, has a voice like nails on a chalkboard, and never never ever never ever shuts the fuck up. She wasn't born with the name Rose, she legally changed it at some point in her 20s or 30s, and she truly does wear ugly pants. Also, that last line should have been "I'll thank any god you never had a chance to spore" but that was a bit too clunky; truly, though, she never did procreate, which i believe to be evidence of the existence of a merciful god.

4. Stalker
I'm in the van across the street, i'm watching you change
I show i care by masturbating to your Facebook page
Yesterday, i waited for three hours, you weren't at home
My better fantasies involve you arriving not alone

Now that i've been keeping statistics on your hiccups, i've found that it only happens on weekends
I went through your garbage looking for old panties because, to survive, i know that i will need them
I looked through your window because i thought you were putting in a tampon but it turned out to be your grandma and her depends
And if you'd give me a chance, all i want is to be friends

Thursday, i saw your boyfriend; my dick is bigger than his
I think he's gay, i can tell by the way he takes a whiz
I bought you better birthday presents (than him) but couldn't give them to you
They're in the van in a box, next to my bucket of poop

You've got the prettiest teeth
That i have ever seen on a human
This story has no end
I'm waiting for you to invite me out of the van
Thinking of you is all i ever want to do
You make me fuzzy down to my spleen
Why does everybody think it's a problem
I'm 45 and you're not quite 18?

I see you

--

Yeah. Um...yeah. You know, there really isn't any way to explain this song. I had come up with a truly sleazy-sounding guitar riff and all i could think to do with it was to put the creepiest possible lyrics over it. Maybe one of the reasons i don't want children is because i know that someday, they'd hear this song.

The second line was "MySpace page" originally. Even though Facebook was already overtaking MySpace at the time i wrote this song, a Facebook page was pretty well locked down to outsiders at that time. Since Facebook's privacy policy has become practically nonexistent in the last two years, though, i felt it was appropriate to update the song for the times.

The line about hiccups was something that Tonya, the photographer who did our promo shots for William Shatner's Pecs, actually said while on the shoot, except in first person rather than third. If you replace "your" with "my," this is her quote verbatim. I thought it was beautiful, so i stole it. She approved.

Also, who hasn't pooped in a bucket to avoid leaving their van once in a while?



I think i'm gonna cut this short here, actually, because it's taking way longer to type all this out than i thought it would and i've got other things i need to be getting done. I'll do the other 8 songs later.

Shimmer Like Stars

I got a little cocky at the station today, and the director told me to put my money where my mouth is.

See, i started a new job last week. I'm working at a local TV station on their morning news shows. Before the program, i edit the packages. During, i run camera(s). Unfortunately for me, this involves being at work at 2:30 in the morning, which means that i'm actually kind of pushing it for still being awake right now at 7pm. I just wanted to rifle off this quick post before i hit the sack.

So, since i've only been there a short time, i'm still in training. Mostly they've had me watching other people work, but i've been breaking in and doing stuff as often as i'm comfortable, which seems to be a lot more often than they have expected thus far.

One of the things that we do is that sometimes, when we come back from commercials, they like to get a big move out of the camera. So we'll pull a camera 5-10 feet back from the set, and when the show starts up again, slowly push it back in for a nice trucking effect.

As we were coming in, the director came over our headsets and said, "Whoever's on Camera 3, why don't you back it up and get a big move, let's show the new guy how it's done."

I happened to be on Camera 3 when he said this, so i got on the mic and said, "How about the new guy shows you how it's done?"

The other two operators on the floor turned to stare at me, with those oh no you didn't looks about them. And they laughed. One of them said something about throwing down the gauntlet.

"Oh yeah?" said the director. "How about you pull it back and tilt that camera up so we get a nice shot of all the lights hanging from the ceiling, and make 'em sparkle like the stars in the sky? Then as you're pushing it in, tilt down to get the anchors in frame. Think you can handle that?"

Son of a bitch, i may or may not have actually muttered. "Yep. I got this."

I'll admit it was a little choppy, but anyone who happened to be watching the news at about 5:30 this morning got a little treat.

One of my coworkers at the lab (where i still work in addition to the station) said to me, as i relayed this story, that sometimes the viewers kind of enjoy seeing it when we fuck up. Not that she had seen my move; 5:30 is apparently way too early for her.

Good to know, because shortly after my big move, i very, very nearly made my first big fuck up. It involved some frantic scrambling by the whole floor crew in the last 15 seconds before the commercial break ended, but we got it covered. I ain't fired yet!

Francesca Rides Again!

In the five years since the Francesca Incident, i've moved to a different cubicle in the lab. The cubicle i currently reside in is built for four, but there are only three permanent residents: Martha Samus, Greg, and myself.



The vacant computer gets occasional use by meandering chemists whose own computers are busily computing chemistry, or else by the Jolly Green Giant because he likes to irritate me while he's surfing the 'net. But the phone next to that computer remains out of regular service. Ergo, whenever it rings, we know it's going to be a wrong number.

Well, today, i thought it was time for Francesca to return from her five year sabbatical. Martha Samus has only been with us for a year, and i don't think anybody even told her about the original Francesca Incident. She was working quietly at her own computer when the tenantless phone interrupted the silence.

I rolled my chair over to it and lifted the receiver, keeping my voice in the same monotone i use when doctors call our real phone number. "[name of lab], this is Francesca."

Martha Samus continued to work for a moment, perhaps not at first realizing exactly what i'd just done. Then suddenly, she spun around, her eyes resembling albino watermelons (or something large and round-ish, anyway), clutching her mouth to stifle the laughter so the person on the phone wouldn't hear. Speaking of the person on the phone:

"Hiiiiii...i'mmm...tryyyiinngg...toooo...reaaach...someone by the naaammee...ooffff... You know what, i think i have the wrong number." Click.

And then the laughing began.

Shortly thereafter, i headed out for lunch, leaving a customary note on the in/out board that i had gone to Subway. When i returned, it had been vandalized, stating that Francesca had, in fact, gone in my stead. I walked into the cubicle, where Martha Samus and Greg sat expectantly. "Francesca at Subway, huh?"

Martha Samus giggled a bit. "I...may have told Greg..."

Within minutes, my boss, Karen, walked past me and said, "Hi Trevor...or should i say, Francesca!"

Sigh.