9. Bieber Fever
Justin Bieber is not the worst thing ever
It’s just the latest in a long product cycle
Three more years, he she or it will all be over
We must dispose shit to keep the industry vital
This song will be relevant long after Justin Bieber is dead
The fever will get transferred to someone else instead.
This song will be relevant long after J. Biebs is gone
And the product cycle has to just move along
It’s so sad that i’ve got to use a reference
Just to make this song make any sense
A couple more years and i’ll have to change the words
Maybe if i’m lucky they’ll be misheard (Where’s my safety pins?!)
I wonder if Donny Osmond ever saw this coming.
The fall of Brett Michaels, the demise of Britney Spears
N*Sync, Boyz II Men, Menudo and Ricky Martin
Ashlee Simpson, that other Simpson, more than one other person i forgot
They all start out at the top, and they all end up with me at the bottom
They’ve just got one way to go.
Just one way.
And i’m already here so i’m saving time.
Fuck those guys.
--
On the surface, it seems like it’s about the disposability of pop music...and it is, i guess...but to me it’s more about the people who always freak out about how the current “big thing” is the “worst thing ever” and the harbinger of the end times, or whatever. Like how you go to Memebase and like every other joke nowadays is “Kill Justin Bieber.” Frankly, it’s boring. Two years ago, all the jokes were “Kill the Jonas Brothers” and now, nobody remembers who the hell they were. This kind of attitude goes back at least to the 60s with The Monkees. It’s just a cycle. Don’t kill Justin Bieber. Let him get old and fat, that’ll be much more fun when he pops up on VH1’s Where Are They Now.
“Where’s my safety pins!?” - This is a ridiculous in-joke between me and Bob, and a few other people outside the band. If you must make it a metaphor, though, i’ve thought of saying that it references how the teenagers who are into pop today tend to turn to rock later in life. Like punk. Punk is big on safety pins.
As for that last part, if you don’t know who these people are/were, you’re going to have to look them up yourself. “That other Simpson” refers to Jessica Simpson, who was actually famous before her little sister Ashlee. I was hoping that my phrasing here would be perceived as a dis against Jessica. She always irritated me more than most plastic pop packages.
10. Old Man
Wish i was an old man that looked like a wizard
Or maybe an old man who resembled a pirate
With so many choices and so many styles
It’s a wonder more people don’t want to try it
Wish i was an old man, just like my cat is
He’s 18 now and that makes him respected
And when i’m an old man, think i’ll grow a long white beard
And hide things in it that are unexpected
Wish i was an old man, wish i had gnarly hands
Because that would make me look so much wiser
Wish i was an old man with a poofy mustache
Because that would make me look so much hotter
Wish i was an old man with weathered eyes
Because that would make me look so much wiser
Wish i was an old man, wish i had a tophat
Because that would make me look so much hotter
As an old man, i hope i look like Abe Lincoln
With a gaunt face and a suit and a tie
Because Old Abe looks much better than Santa
As an old man, i hope someone bakes me pie
I hope that my wife will make the neighbor kids cookies
That smell like heaven every Sunday morning
But those little bastards have to outrun my hose
I hide in the bushes and i strike without warning
And when i’m an old man
I’m gonna drive a red Corvette
Gonna drive it so damn fast
With my dark sunglasses on
I’ll race seventeen cops
Back to my retirement home
Yeah.
These are things i’ve gotta do before i pass on
--
I have an odd preoccupation with aging. This is the result of that.
“He’s 18 now and that makes him respected” - I do indeed have an 18-year-old cat. When i first wrote this song, which we recorded first for the Doodle Taintstein Sings the Blues EP, he was 14. I’ve kept the lyrics updated every year since.
“And hide things in it that are unexpected” - Not a reference, i just wanted to point out that i think this is one of the best lyrics i’ve ever written.
“Little bastards have to outrun my hose” - Look, just because i’m encouraging my wife to cook for them doesn’t mean i’m not going to fuck with them. They’ve gotta earn those cookies. Little bastards.
11. Pizza Ladder
Come on now, don’t be shy
You’ve got a decent alibi
Gonna have to do what’s right
Sooner or later, but not tonight
I ate a pizza and i fell off of a ladder
Not necessarily in that order
I’m a little off today, my brain is kinda scattered
And i think i will simply walk right into Mordor
It’s been a long time coming
As long as your mouth’s been running
I don’t really feel that bad
But i hope that you’re not mad
The transition is complete
We no longer have to compete
And now there is no stopping
I’ll climb the ladder to the toppings
--
This song is about procrastination. You can also think of it as a breakup song, that’s ok too. The deeper meanings i’m keeping to myself.
“I ate a pizza and i fell off of a ladder, not necessarily in that order” - This is an exact quote from Thomas while we were writing this song. Earlier in the morning, he had in fact fallen off of a ladder, and then eaten an entire pizza. As you might imagine, he was a little out of it that day. This was his bizarre, disjointed way of explaining something completely random and out of the blue that had nothing to do with anything.
“And i think i will simply walk right into Mordor” - “One does not simply walk into Mordor!” It’s a quote from Lord of the Rings. Boromir says it. It later became an internet meme.
“I’ll climb the ladder to the toppings” - This is another one of Lisa’s contributions. All i said was, “I’m working on a song called Pizza Ladder” and this came out of her mouth immediately.
12. Lunch Lady Returns
Lunch lady, i’m kind of upset with this
Meatloaf you gave me
I’m afraid that it might be out of date
There’s all this mold and this hair in this
Meatloaf you gave me
And i think that it’s eating through the plate
Lunch lady, i can’t abide by this
Meatloaf you gave me
It’s burned all the feeling from my nose
Lunch lady, what’s wrong with you and this
Meatloaf you gave me?
I think it’s time for this cafeteria to close
--
The sequel to the title track to 2002’s Lunch Lady EP, the very first damidol release. I’m thinking that in another nine years, there’ll be a song called Lunch Lady Forever, followed by Lunch Lady And Robin.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Justin Bieber is not the worst thing ever
It’s just the latest in a long product cycle
Three more years, he she or it will all be over
We must dispose shit to keep the industry vital
This song will be relevant long after Justin Bieber is dead
The fever will get transferred to someone else instead.
This song will be relevant long after J. Biebs is gone
And the product cycle has to just move along
It’s so sad that i’ve got to use a reference
Just to make this song make any sense
A couple more years and i’ll have to change the words
Maybe if i’m lucky they’ll be misheard (Where’s my safety pins?!)
I wonder if Donny Osmond ever saw this coming.
The fall of Brett Michaels, the demise of Britney Spears
N*Sync, Boyz II Men, Menudo and Ricky Martin
Ashlee Simpson, that other Simpson, more than one other person i forgot
They all start out at the top, and they all end up with me at the bottom
They’ve just got one way to go.
Just one way.
And i’m already here so i’m saving time.
Fuck those guys.
--
On the surface, it seems like it’s about the disposability of pop music...and it is, i guess...but to me it’s more about the people who always freak out about how the current “big thing” is the “worst thing ever” and the harbinger of the end times, or whatever. Like how you go to Memebase and like every other joke nowadays is “Kill Justin Bieber.” Frankly, it’s boring. Two years ago, all the jokes were “Kill the Jonas Brothers” and now, nobody remembers who the hell they were. This kind of attitude goes back at least to the 60s with The Monkees. It’s just a cycle. Don’t kill Justin Bieber. Let him get old and fat, that’ll be much more fun when he pops up on VH1’s Where Are They Now.
“Where’s my safety pins!?” - This is a ridiculous in-joke between me and Bob, and a few other people outside the band. If you must make it a metaphor, though, i’ve thought of saying that it references how the teenagers who are into pop today tend to turn to rock later in life. Like punk. Punk is big on safety pins.
As for that last part, if you don’t know who these people are/were, you’re going to have to look them up yourself. “That other Simpson” refers to Jessica Simpson, who was actually famous before her little sister Ashlee. I was hoping that my phrasing here would be perceived as a dis against Jessica. She always irritated me more than most plastic pop packages.
10. Old Man
Wish i was an old man that looked like a wizard
Or maybe an old man who resembled a pirate
With so many choices and so many styles
It’s a wonder more people don’t want to try it
Wish i was an old man, just like my cat is
He’s 18 now and that makes him respected
And when i’m an old man, think i’ll grow a long white beard
And hide things in it that are unexpected
Wish i was an old man, wish i had gnarly hands
Because that would make me look so much wiser
Wish i was an old man with a poofy mustache
Because that would make me look so much hotter
Wish i was an old man with weathered eyes
Because that would make me look so much wiser
Wish i was an old man, wish i had a tophat
Because that would make me look so much hotter
As an old man, i hope i look like Abe Lincoln
With a gaunt face and a suit and a tie
Because Old Abe looks much better than Santa
As an old man, i hope someone bakes me pie
I hope that my wife will make the neighbor kids cookies
That smell like heaven every Sunday morning
But those little bastards have to outrun my hose
I hide in the bushes and i strike without warning
And when i’m an old man
I’m gonna drive a red Corvette
Gonna drive it so damn fast
With my dark sunglasses on
I’ll race seventeen cops
Back to my retirement home
Yeah.
These are things i’ve gotta do before i pass on
--
I have an odd preoccupation with aging. This is the result of that.
“He’s 18 now and that makes him respected” - I do indeed have an 18-year-old cat. When i first wrote this song, which we recorded first for the Doodle Taintstein Sings the Blues EP, he was 14. I’ve kept the lyrics updated every year since.
“And hide things in it that are unexpected” - Not a reference, i just wanted to point out that i think this is one of the best lyrics i’ve ever written.
“Little bastards have to outrun my hose” - Look, just because i’m encouraging my wife to cook for them doesn’t mean i’m not going to fuck with them. They’ve gotta earn those cookies. Little bastards.
11. Pizza Ladder
Come on now, don’t be shy
You’ve got a decent alibi
Gonna have to do what’s right
Sooner or later, but not tonight
I ate a pizza and i fell off of a ladder
Not necessarily in that order
I’m a little off today, my brain is kinda scattered
And i think i will simply walk right into Mordor
It’s been a long time coming
As long as your mouth’s been running
I don’t really feel that bad
But i hope that you’re not mad
The transition is complete
We no longer have to compete
And now there is no stopping
I’ll climb the ladder to the toppings
--
This song is about procrastination. You can also think of it as a breakup song, that’s ok too. The deeper meanings i’m keeping to myself.
“I ate a pizza and i fell off of a ladder, not necessarily in that order” - This is an exact quote from Thomas while we were writing this song. Earlier in the morning, he had in fact fallen off of a ladder, and then eaten an entire pizza. As you might imagine, he was a little out of it that day. This was his bizarre, disjointed way of explaining something completely random and out of the blue that had nothing to do with anything.
“And i think i will simply walk right into Mordor” - “One does not simply walk into Mordor!” It’s a quote from Lord of the Rings. Boromir says it. It later became an internet meme.
“I’ll climb the ladder to the toppings” - This is another one of Lisa’s contributions. All i said was, “I’m working on a song called Pizza Ladder” and this came out of her mouth immediately.
12. Lunch Lady Returns
Lunch lady, i’m kind of upset with this
Meatloaf you gave me
I’m afraid that it might be out of date
There’s all this mold and this hair in this
Meatloaf you gave me
And i think that it’s eating through the plate
Lunch lady, i can’t abide by this
Meatloaf you gave me
It’s burned all the feeling from my nose
Lunch lady, what’s wrong with you and this
Meatloaf you gave me?
I think it’s time for this cafeteria to close
--
The sequel to the title track to 2002’s Lunch Lady EP, the very first damidol release. I’m thinking that in another nine years, there’ll be a song called Lunch Lady Forever, followed by Lunch Lady And Robin.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
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