+5 nerd points if, by the end of this entry, you understand its title and how it relates to the story.
So, kitchen disasters. A friend recently, by mistake, left a watermelon in a cupboard next to her oven for several weeks, until it disintegrated into mush and an inch of standing juices in said cupboard. When it started to smell, they tried to track down the source but couldn't. Her husband even cleaned the oven, but to no avail. Eventually the offending fruit was discovered, which incited a spirited discussion on Facebook, encouraging her friends to post their worst kitchen disaster stories. I contributed the donuts of disaster, but within days, i had a new one. Not a worse one, but definitely a more disgusting one.
On a recent Thursday or Friday, i had cooked Amanda a stir-fry and half of a chicken breast for dinner, to take to work with her. We buy our chicken breasts in bulk from Costco nowadays, they come in convenient two-breast packages which are perfect for freezing. I've been feeling lately that when i take a package out of the freezer and put it in the fridge, once i cook part of it, the rest goes bad pretty quickly. So, i've recently gotten into the habit of just cooking both entire breasts and putting the fully-cooked remainder into the fridge for convenient access at a later time. It lasts longer, and it's less work when i need it later.
Over the weekend i had rifled through the fridge, looking for the extra breast and a half, but couldn't find them. I had a moment where i wondered, "Did i already eat them? I must have. They're clearly not here." And although that thought didn't make a hell of a lot of sense, i simply moved on to trying to find something else to eat, and completely forgot about the errant chicken.
Tuesday night, late. Amanda and i return from the gym after a workout that i would describe as "particularly grueling" and she would call "Tuesday night," i set about making us some dinner. I start cooking some rice, and i plug in the George Foreman grill to make some fish. As i was waiting for the rice to simmer and the Foreman to warm up, i remember thinking, gosh, it's weird that the grill is already sizzling like that. Must just be a lot of stuff built up on it; i'll need to give it a thorough cleaning soon.
Ten minutes later, when i open the Foreman to throw the fish on it, all of the maggots which had not yet fried to death stand straight up out of those chicken breasts and reach toward me, as if screaming "Save us!!"
Eyes wide, mouth agape, i backed away slowly and walked over to the living room while trying to clear the fuck out of my brain. Amanda came up from the basement with clean laundry and started talking to me about something or another, it was all bouncing off of my gelatin-like mind at that moment. Finally, "Are you ok?"
"Um, stay out of the kitchen."
"Why? What did you do?"
"I figured out what that weird smell was for the last few days." We had thought it was just something funky in the garbage can.
When i finally got the story out, her reaction was along the lines of, "Oh cool! I need to see this!" I tried to stop her from going into the kitchen, but really, why bother?
Why bother? Because of what happened next. See, Amanda's not the one i'm trying to protect here.
She immediately started using MY PHONE to take pictures of the maggoty meat and send them to Alyssa.
"You don't understand! Usually when i see maggots, they're inside of living animals! This is totally different and FASCINATING!"
>.<
Fucking vet techs are weird, man.
So i eventually got a garbage bag and used a spatula to remove everything from the Foreman. I carried the device itself outside and left it propped up on the regular grill, hoping for rain, but intending to spray it down with the hose the following day. Fortunately, Wednesday is garbage day, so the trash can was already out at the side of the road, i just added this to it.
I took a whole pack of Party Lite candles (my mom was constantly giving me Party Lite items for years; i think she's all out now), arranged them strategically around the kitchen, dining room, and living room, and let them burn entirely down.
So ABOUT THAT RICE YOU WERE PLANNING TO EAT.
So, kitchen disasters. A friend recently, by mistake, left a watermelon in a cupboard next to her oven for several weeks, until it disintegrated into mush and an inch of standing juices in said cupboard. When it started to smell, they tried to track down the source but couldn't. Her husband even cleaned the oven, but to no avail. Eventually the offending fruit was discovered, which incited a spirited discussion on Facebook, encouraging her friends to post their worst kitchen disaster stories. I contributed the donuts of disaster, but within days, i had a new one. Not a worse one, but definitely a more disgusting one.
On a recent Thursday or Friday, i had cooked Amanda a stir-fry and half of a chicken breast for dinner, to take to work with her. We buy our chicken breasts in bulk from Costco nowadays, they come in convenient two-breast packages which are perfect for freezing. I've been feeling lately that when i take a package out of the freezer and put it in the fridge, once i cook part of it, the rest goes bad pretty quickly. So, i've recently gotten into the habit of just cooking both entire breasts and putting the fully-cooked remainder into the fridge for convenient access at a later time. It lasts longer, and it's less work when i need it later.
Over the weekend i had rifled through the fridge, looking for the extra breast and a half, but couldn't find them. I had a moment where i wondered, "Did i already eat them? I must have. They're clearly not here." And although that thought didn't make a hell of a lot of sense, i simply moved on to trying to find something else to eat, and completely forgot about the errant chicken.
Tuesday night, late. Amanda and i return from the gym after a workout that i would describe as "particularly grueling" and she would call "Tuesday night," i set about making us some dinner. I start cooking some rice, and i plug in the George Foreman grill to make some fish. As i was waiting for the rice to simmer and the Foreman to warm up, i remember thinking, gosh, it's weird that the grill is already sizzling like that. Must just be a lot of stuff built up on it; i'll need to give it a thorough cleaning soon.
Ten minutes later, when i open the Foreman to throw the fish on it, all of the maggots which had not yet fried to death stand straight up out of those chicken breasts and reach toward me, as if screaming "Save us!!"
Eyes wide, mouth agape, i backed away slowly and walked over to the living room while trying to clear the fuck out of my brain. Amanda came up from the basement with clean laundry and started talking to me about something or another, it was all bouncing off of my gelatin-like mind at that moment. Finally, "Are you ok?"
"Um, stay out of the kitchen."
"Why? What did you do?"
"I figured out what that weird smell was for the last few days." We had thought it was just something funky in the garbage can.
When i finally got the story out, her reaction was along the lines of, "Oh cool! I need to see this!" I tried to stop her from going into the kitchen, but really, why bother?
Why bother? Because of what happened next. See, Amanda's not the one i'm trying to protect here.
She immediately started using MY PHONE to take pictures of the maggoty meat and send them to Alyssa.
"You don't understand! Usually when i see maggots, they're inside of living animals! This is totally different and FASCINATING!"
>.<
Fucking vet techs are weird, man.
So i eventually got a garbage bag and used a spatula to remove everything from the Foreman. I carried the device itself outside and left it propped up on the regular grill, hoping for rain, but intending to spray it down with the hose the following day. Fortunately, Wednesday is garbage day, so the trash can was already out at the side of the road, i just added this to it.
I took a whole pack of Party Lite candles (my mom was constantly giving me Party Lite items for years; i think she's all out now), arranged them strategically around the kitchen, dining room, and living room, and let them burn entirely down.
So ABOUT THAT RICE YOU WERE PLANNING TO EAT.
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