October 9, 2022
Start time for the Long Beach Full Marathon was 6:00 am. The drive is about 30 minutes from the hotel, so we planned to leave by 5, which meant getting up at 4. We had done some prep the previous night, but definitely not all of it.
I made two glasses of electrolytes for Amanda and Alyssa. We need these for power before the race, but aside from that, a glass of the caffeinated amino acids from Costco really help wake a person up. Amanda rarely starts her day without it anymore. As soon as she finished her drink, Amanda was out of the bed and into the bathroom, the only source of water, and pooping, before i could make myself a glass. Alyssa and i scrambled around to get dogs taken care of and protein shakes made while she monopolized the lavatory.
She finally came out at 4:45. I was ready to go except for my electrolytes, which i made and chugged post-haste, but i really wanted to try and squeeze a few turds off too before we left. Just better to go into the marathon empty, you know? Marathon runners have a well-documented history of shitting themselves mid-race.
David joined us at the car outside. We left the hotel around 5:15. The GPS set us on a course that would get us to the parking lot by 5:37. As we got moving, though, it came up with a "better route available." Usually i just go ahead and confirm those things without thinking, but as soon as i did this time, our ETA jumped up to 5:51. Sure, the "better route" was significantly fewer miles, but right now, i'm going for speed. We have a race to get to.
So i reset it to the original route. It tried to redirect me three more times before we finally had gone too far to make that feasible. Although Amanda did figure out, just in time, that i was taking us to the same parking ramp as yesterday; we did not want to go there today. We wanted yesterday's original target. It was wrong then but it was right now.
Got parked no problem, although traffic getting into the lot was a mess. Lot of people driving stupid, like they don't know how a 'parking lot' or a 'street' work. We beelined it for the parking garage, even though the majority of people were parked in the open lot. The lot comes first after you pass the pay station, so i guess most people just pick the first open option they see. We like to park where there's cover though, so the car doesn't get as hot in that SoCal sun. Theoretically.
Amanda led us to gear check. She and Alyssa had to do some last-minute arranging to load their snacks into their hydro vests. Everyone took a run through the porta potties, just to ensure an empty start. I was the last to go.
When i returned, David was off checking the bag while Amanda and Alyssa buttoned up their equipment. It was nearly 6:00. I think it had actually gotten a minute or two past 6:00 when David returned, and we headed toward the starting line. From the distance the sound of the PA system seemed to be coming from, i thought we had a bit of a hike to get there; turned out it was maybe 100 feet away. We assumed a position near the back of the starting line. David asked for a selfie of the four of us before we started, then he headed forward to find his pace group. Knowing we were pretty well bringing up the rear anyway, the three of us stayed where we were.
Moments later, we heard the countdown begin, and thought the race had started. But no one near us, or indeed ahead, seemed to move. Turned out that was the wheelchair start, which was supposed to be at 5:55, just a few minutes before the regular start. Presumably five minutes after that, there was another countdown, and the race had begun! But as the crowd slowly moved forward, the announcers started saying something about a "second stage" start. Once a certain group reached the front, i think the 4:20 pacers, they stopped them, waited a few more minutes, and then gave another countdown.
And finally we were actually off! I crossed the starting line and began the run on my Garmin at 6:11 am.
The plan was for the three of us to stick together. Amanda and Alyssa have been training together this whole time, and even though Alyssa is much slower, Amanda doesn't like to leave her friend behind.
The trouble is, Alyssa likes to start her runs very, very slowly, and try to build up. Like, 18 minutes for the first mile. For reference, average human walking speed is a 20 minute mile. My walking speed is usually about 18 minutes. From there, i think Alyssa's typical mile is about 16 minutes. The course limit on this marathon is 7 hours 30 minutes. In order to finish around 7 hours, we would need to maintain an average of a 17 minute mile. So you can see how we're cutting this pretty close.
When Amanda ran with me, i could push her to a 14 minute mile. Could she sustain that for 26.2 miles? Unlikely. Basically no. As for me...well, in 2019 i was running 8 minute miles, sometimes even getting into 7 minute territory, but since the pandemic i had really let myself go. The last year or so, my miles were around 11 minutes. However, since i had fucking Covid in September, i hadn't been able to maintain that for nearly long enough. A week after i finally tested negative, i managed a 9.5 mile run, and by the end, i was having a hard time breathing, and was completely exhausted for the next 24 hours. Could not get myself motivated or moving to do anything. I thought i'd gotten better since then, now over three weeks clear of Covid, and my runs had been improving. The Monday before the race, while still in Madison, i managed a 14.5 mile run, but by the end of it i was pretty beat. I had actually planned for 18 miles that day and didn't make it.
So where did that leave me today?
Who. Knows.
Given the sad state of my post-Covid lungs and the wildcard that represents, i elected to stay with them as well. The slower miles might help my endurance. Maybe i could make it all the way through this thing after all.
We started out at a 16 minute pace. Alyssa of course found this too fast. She was walking already before the half mile mark, and complaining about shin splints.
At about 3/4 of the first mile, we saw someone had dropped one of their flaccies - which is the weird word Amanda made up for the soft-sided water bottles that her & Alyssa have in their hydro vests. See, it works on two levels: as a cute term for "flask," which is basically what they are, and as a short form of "flaccid penis," which is what they resemble and what we've been calling them anyway.
Mile 1 split: 16:51.
At 1.5 miles, we saw someone had dropped an unopened running gel like the ones we use, which also sucks. We started musing that they belonged to the same person, who was just losing bits of their running gear at regular .75 mile intervals. We continued to extrapolate about what else they would drop, like at 2.25 miles we would see a running sock and wonder how they lost the sock without removing the shoe. We mused that eventually body parts would start coming off, and that once we found their shins, we could graft them onto Alyssa so she would have 4 shins to share the load.
About mile three i did see a running shoe, but it was mangled and melted like it had been run over and left on the hot asphalt for weeks, so i don't think it was from this race.
Somewhere in the first two miles over a three-lane highway, under freeway bridges and through the concrete median, we saw David traveling in the opposite direction. This would be the only time we'd see him running.
Soon after, we would mistake another guy in similar clothing for David. So we waved at a guy. No big deal.
Once we made the switchback and we were on the other side of that barrier, we ended up having a conversation with an Indian dude from Las Vegas who was, at least at first, running about the same pace as us. Seemed like a nice guy. There was another woman we had some nice interactions with at this point too.
The course was lovely. We were weaving around the highways of Long Beach, crossing the water over the bridges, getting great views of the islands and the cruise ships and all that. If you're into cruise ships or whatever. I'm not, but to a degree i do appreciate the old ones docked around Long Beach, like the Queen Mary.
In the second mile, i stopped at a porta potty to pee again. It felt a little silly stopping again already, but i knew that the sloshing in my bladder would just keep getting worse, so i figured i'd take care of it sooner rather than later. I didn't expect much, but it turned out to be a huge pee. I'm glad i wrote all of this down, in the future i'm definitely gonna want records of the volume of my piss.
As i exited the john, i could see Amanda and Alyssa just rounding the next corner. They hadn't made it far in that time. I walked while i rubbed in the hand sanitizer, but then took off at a brisk pace to catch up. The first water station was right around that corner, though, so i took my first cup and went back to walking while i drank it. Meanwhile, i saw across the road a whole lot of spectators on an exodus down the sidewalk with their folding camp chairs and such. I examined the crowd to see if Tammi, Phil, and Jack might be among them, but didn't see them. They probably hadn't made it down to the race yet. I accelerated to catch up.
I came up behind Amanda and Alyssa right as we were turning the corner by the Hooters.
"Fancy meeting you ladies here in front of the Hooters," i said.
"Oh, it's that creeper again! He's found us!" Alyssa said. This is a fun joke that one or both of them tell every single time...every single time...we run separately through the neighborhood across the street from our RV park. I usually go faster and longer than them, often intersecting their path multiple times. They take the dogs, so Zuul gets very excited whenever she sees me.
"The creeper never left!" I said.
We were now coming into the roundabout in front of the Aquarium of the Pacific, where the 5k of the same name had begun the day before. We were going in the opposite direction, though, so i can't really say how much of the ground covered is the same.
The sun was pretty well up by now, but the cloud cover remained. We were very grateful for the overcast day. With the cool breezes coming off the nearby ocean, it was a perfect day for a marathon.
We did video check ins on our phones at every mile. For the record, Alyssa did first suggest that Amanda and i leave her behind on the very first one, at mile one. We obviously did not do that. By mile 3 she was complaining about how she needs to start with 18 minute miles and we're pushing her too hard. But at every check in, she said she was feeling "a little bit better." A little better at mile 2 than 1, a little better at mile 3 than 2, a little better at mile 4 than 3.
There was also an elderly Asian man running near us in these first miles. He was ahead of us to start, we got past him, on a switchback we saw him on the other side and we cheered each other on.
I think it was somewhere in here that we saw a spectator with a sign reading, "All this for a free banana?" and i pointed and shouted,"YES! BANANAS!!! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DO THIS FOR!!" and within half a mile we passed someone on the other side of a switchback running in a banana costume. Alyssa responded with an acknowledgement, and understanding, stating that she does this all for the free chocolate milk at the end.
Obviously that is not what we actually do this for, but it's not without a grain of truth. When we get to the end, we know what we want.
According to our Garmins, it was 5.15 miles when we crossed the first electronic checkpoint. I had signed up for both text and email alerts on all four of us in advance, hoping to see what the official numbers looked like in real time, and hoping to get some kind of a baseline on how far ahead David was. I had not yet received any news on David.
Within seconds, i got not text, but email alerts on Amanda, Alyssa, and myself, that we had crossed the 5.5 mile mark, and giving our time. The official mile markers had been getting progressively further and further behind our trackers, so it was confusing and interesting that this "5.5 mile mark" was so far ahead of them. Also interesting that i hadn't gotten a report on David yet, who was clearly way ahead. It had not occurred to me at the time, but an explanation could be that something horrible had happened to him, and he hadn't made it to the 5.5 mile mark. More likely, though, that the system just sucked.
For the record, i had signed up for these alerts on us at every race we've done so far, and never received a single one from Long Beach last year. I only got a couple intermittent ones from Surf City, and they came through at such a delay, i think we were actually finished by the time i got them.
Soon after, Alyssa needed a potty break. Not long after she made this announcement, we conveniently came to a brick-and-mortar public restroom. As it was in sight, we were coming up behind a middle aged man in a red shirt, who said to us, "I'm glad to be running near you, it makes me feel good to be ahead of the young people!"
I responded, "Well you're about to gain a lot of ground, we're making a pit stop at that bathroom!"
"Noooo!! I wanted to keep you nearby, to make me look good!"
Alyssa ran straight through the bathroom door. Amanda and i stopped to wait for her, because unlike my potty stop a few miles before, there was no possible way Alyssa would catch up.
We stood there, waiting, much longer than we expected. We were starting to talk about how much time we would have to make up from this, since we were already operating on a razor thin margin. Alyssa had mentioned several times by now that it was okay if we needed to leave her behind, she was fine with it, but Amanda was having none of that. And i get it, i know she wants to stay with her friend, they've been training together, completing this thing is a promise they made to each other. But i was running math in my head and i think this is the point where i first mentioned, hey. If we hit 3 1/2 hours, and we're not at at least 13 miles, we're going to have to leave her behind. Because at that point, she becomes a serious liability to us finishing the race.
Amanda agreed.
After a few minutes, Amanda's phone rang. It was Alyssa, in the bathroom. There was no toilet paper. Could she please come in and get some from a different stall?
Alyssa's #1 had turned into a #2.
A moment after that, Amanda came out of the bathroom and reported to me, "There is no toilet paper in the female bathroom. I had to go into the men's. And one man left a giant log in one of those toilets and did not flush. Plenty of toilet paper, though."
The first text report from the 5.5 mile mark came through just as we started running again. Weird that the emails were coming faster than the texts.
I'm honestly not sure where in the story this happened, but i feel like it was somewhere around the fifth or sixth mile. Amanda had asked how i was doing, if i needed anything, if i was concerned about anything, i'm actually not sure what she asked. But i mentioned that my thighs were rubbing together a lot, and i was a little worried about chafing. She offered me her Body Glide, tucked away carefully in a pocket of her hydro pack, but i declined; it would be awkward to put it on in the middle of a race, plus, i argued, "i'm not sure it would make much of a difference now."
Boy was i wrong about that. Maybe.
My mile 6 split was 18:53, so we only had like 3 minutes to make up from the bathroom stop. Not so bad.
The 6 mile mark was also the spot where i had camped out to watch for Amanda & Alyssa when they ran the Long Beach Half Marathon last year, when i had sprained my ankle the actual fucking day before. It's near the expo, so there's tons of people and toilets and amenities, including a live band, which was playing a song that i'm positive i've heard at every race we've done. "Run, run, living your life to run, run, ruuuuunnn..."
The band, Gregg Young and the 2nd Street Band, was on a corner. As we rounded it, we arrived at the first water station to include electrolytes. Amazing! I made a note that we were just hitting 6.22 miles, which means we got our Weekend 10k Badge from Garmin Connect! ...although i checked later and the Weekend 10k this month is actually the last weekend of the month, not the weekend of the race. Dang.
At this moment i also saw a drone going up in the sky, and i shouted, "DROOONE!!! HOW DO I GET A COPY OF THE DRONE FOOTAGE?!?"
And just past that, we saw Tammi, Phil, and Jack, cheering us on! I asked how far ahead of us David was. Tammi said she didn't know because she couldn't get the tracker to load. Phil said, "about an hour!"
We were only about 1:50 into the race, so if David was about an hour ahead, he was moving twice as fast. This is actually about what we expected, he had told us that 3:40 would be a good marathon time for him, and since we were aiming at 7 hours...yeah.
Once we were past the expo, we were on the bike path leading across the beach. Finally, that ocean breeze was hitting us again! It had been a while, and we had started to feel a little hot, being more inland. I hit my first gel. Amanda and Alyssa had taken theirs a few miles ago. I'd brought only six for the race, one for each five miles plus an extra. I think they had at least ten each, planning to take one every three miles.
Very soon after we came to the beach, i saw a vacuum cleaner in a trash can. Someone came to the beach to throw away their vacuum.
At the same moment i noticed this, we heard sirens behind us. I turned around to see a squadron of police motorcycles driving down the bike path. I became very worried that this was the terminator, the sweepers, the ones who would kick us off the course for being so slow, but they quickly passed us, with a wave of runners behind them.
These were the frontrunners of the half marathon, which started an hour after the full. These are the people who run a half marathon in less than ninety minutes.
Christ, i just looked it up and the world record for fastest half marathon is 57 minutes.
Alyssa at this point was starting to hit her stride. "I'm better, more hopeful! Like this isn't all pointless! I'm starting to actually believe that i'll finish this! Running 15:30 - 16:30 miles, and that's good enough!"
"Even as we have all these half marathoners sprinting past us!"
"Yeah!!"
Around the 7 mile mark, still on that beach, we saw some of my favorite supportive signs from the cheering onlookers: "Toenails are for Losers" and "Always Give 100% Unless You Are Giving Blood."
Mile 8 was still under 16 minutes. We'd more than made up the time lost at the restroom by now. We were still feeling good. Another burst of half marathoners zoomed past us. "This looks like the middle of the pack for the half marathon," Amanda said.
"Yeah, like the middle-good runners," i agreed.
Moments later, the 1:30 half marathon pacers zoomed past us.
So no. That was not the "main pack" or the "middle-good" runners. Still the people who are really good at this.
8.45 miles, we took a quick stretch break. The tracker finally gave me the first update on David. He had crossed the 13.5 mile mark and was estimated to finish in 3:30, ETA 9:41 am. In other words, to finish right about the time we should hit the halfway point. Which, yeah, as expected, i guess.
Amanda was starting to feel the swelling and soreness in the knee
she'd gone down on during the 5k. She described her muscles as "tight,"
but she was still optimistic for finishing.
We got moving again, and suddenly i realized where we were! We were coming up to the pier that we usually walk out to when we go to Rosie's Dog Beach! We were just approaching from the other side!
DOGS!!
DOOOOOOGGGGSSSS!!!!!!
WE REACHED THE DOG BEACH!!
WE SAW SO MANY DOGS!!
...
Ahem.
This is where Alyssa started talking about math, and convincing herself that it would be okay to continue at a much slower pace, perhaps 18:00, perhaps slower, and still finish.
C'mon, Loosk. Don't think like that.
We have arrived at Mile 10. We have arrived...at the buffet.
As soon as i crossed Mile 10 a box of donut holes was thrust at me. I reached in and grabbed a handful, losing only one, and shouting "Nooo!!!" in as cinematic a voice as i could, then shoveled the other two into my mouth.
Someone gave me half a banana!
Someone gave me WATER and ELECTROLYTES!
Someone gave me a GIANT FUCKING GEL PACK! Like a running gel the size of my fist!
I didn't know what i was getting into, but like i was taking the highway to Waco from Dallas, i threw back my head and squeezed it in.
It was like drinking Gushers from a blender.
It was...fine.
A father and his 6ish year old daughter biked past us on a tandem bike. The little girl reached her hand out as we passed, and i high fived her. Just to piss off John Rosemond. I hear every time you high five a child, his bladder cramps for a third of a second.
And now, the moment of truth. We had reached the marathon/half marathon split. Part of me was worried Alyssa would take the left path, the escape hatch, just to guarantee she would at least finish with a medal. She had been talking quite a bit in the last mile about us leaving her behind.
She was adamant that she was going to finish. She veered right, with us.
Right on, Loosk.
Keep.
Going.
The crowd thinned out considerably after the split. Like...almost entirely. Pretty much the whole thick crowd, with their snacky offerings, were packed onto the half marathon side.
It's probably because the marathon crowd had already dispersed. We're bringing up the rear, after all, let's not forget.
We caught up with the woman we had been chatting with in the second mile. We had a nice time talking to her for a moment, but soon left her behind.
The eleven mile mark.
My split was 18:16. Another long one.
Total time was three hours, six minutes.
There was no possible way Alyssa was going to run two more miles in 24 minutes. I don't know if Alyssa even has twelve minute miles in her, in general, let alone after she's just run 11 beforehand. (UPDATE 1/26/2023: Hey it turns out she does!)
Alyssa was miserable. And she was to the point where she just wanted to be miserable by herself. She was strongly encouraging us to go ahead and leave her behind. She was doing that thing, where she's trying to make us come to the decision on our own, but in actuality is subtly begging for us to do this thing, do her this kindness.
I shared my math with Amanda. We had agreed to stick with her until 3:30, sure, but at this point that was futility. We would be in a better position ourselves if we acted now. We had, after all, been mostly walking the last few miles.
I could still see our lady friend behind us. As we parted from Alyssa, i suggested she go back and make friends with her. Amanda gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and we started running again. I shouted back, "WE STILL BELIEVE IN YOU!"
As soon as we were out of Alyssa's earshot, i said to Amanda, "Alright, 14s for the rest of the race!"
"Yeeeaaahhhh..."
We had a short discussion about the ethics of leaving Alyssa behind. It really was just that she wanted to be miserable by herself, and our consistent assertions of positivity were really not helping her in any way. Amanda had tried cheering Loosk up by mentioning all the food she could have after the race, only to receive an angry snarl of "Don't talk about food to me!" She tried talking about the medals she would receive. She tried other incentives, but each was met with grumpy derision. In the end, what it boils down to is that Alyssa is a solitary creature, much more solitary than even me (and i do often value my solitude), and Amanda is a pack-bonded animal. She just wants her pack mates to be happy, and it hurts her to leave any of us behind.
Soon after, Boy Scout Troop 007 gave us popsicles! Amanda got two because they hadn't separated the plastic ahead of time, and couldn't get them apart as we whizzed by.
Mile 12.
14:11.
We were hitting the target, and hitting it well. Considering that we started mile 12 still walking with Alyssa, we had made up that lost time quickly and continued to accelerate.
Now we just needed to keep up that pace for the rest of the race! Amanda mused about us running a "negative split" race, where your pace in the second half is faster than the first. This is atypical, because usually you get more tired as you go on. In this case, though, it was because we had started out trying to stick with Alyssa.
"As long as we don't burn out toward the end," i said.
"Yeah...as long as we don't do that."
We took another right turn, and started heading out down a long stretch beside the water. There were cones down the middle of the road, and runners coming at us from the opposite side. So, another switchback.
There was a water station at the end, and we drank gratefully, as always. Then around the cul-de-sac, and straight back whence we camest. I think this seaside diversion was nearly a mile on its own.
And wouldn't you know it! About halfway back, we saw Alyssa! Still moving, in fact running again!
"Loosk! You're going to finish!"
"Alyssa! We believe in you!"
She did look to be in much higher spirits than we had left her, and moving with more a sense of purpose.
A moment later, we saw our other friend, not far behind Alyssa. I shouted to her, "Hey it's you! What's your name?!"
"Ashi!" she said.
"Ashi! It's good to see you again!"
Just after we passed Ashi, we hit 13 miles. Still in the low 14s.
I realized that there was, perhaps, one way to make Alyssa happy. One carrot i could dangle in front of her to inspire her to finish the race. Amanda had tried with food, tried with medals, tried with other temptations...and failed. But now i see where we went wrong! If only i'd thought of it a few minutes sooner, i could have said something on that switchback! I hoped there would be another switchback soon, so i could make my attempt.
Mile 14. 14 minutes flat.
Soon after, Amanda began to have a peculiar fantasy.
She began to regale me with a tale told by her former Roller Derby teammates, about how between games at tournaments, the Dairyland Dolls would take ice baths. Literally, jumping in a bathtub full of ice. And she didn't know why. She didn't know why the Dairyland Dolls did this. She didn't know why she suddenly craved it. I've written before that "a cold, wet Amanda is not something anybody wants on their hands," and that has never changed. Cold Amanda is cranky and unreasonable. Wet Amanda is unreasonable and cranky.
And mid-marathon Amanda wants an ice bath.
Mile 15. 15:01. Damn that was almost two miles in a row that named themselves.
In the 16th mile, we began was was obviously another switchback. I might get my chance to yell something nice at Alyssa! I pulled out my phone and started searching for community pools. Surely there should be one or more somewhere, anywhere in Long Beach, and with it a possibility of a hot tub!
I found three community pools within a mile of my position.
It's difficult to carry out research on a cell phone while running, so i put it away for the moment, at least secure in the knowledge that there were nearby options.
And suddenly, traffic cops stopped us at an intersection, to allow cars to pass through.
I GUESS THAT'S ONE WAY TO DO IT??? FORCE THE MARATHON RUNNERS TO STOP SO TRAFFIC CAN GO THROUGH???
What the fuck?! If this was gonna be a problem, plan the marathon route someplace else, damn. This is dumb. A little dangerous, but also, sure gonna fuck up people's splits if they're actually competing for something. If they're actually looking for a good PR. If their numbers are important in literally any way. We were just going for a finish, so it's nothing but a mild annoyance to us, but shit. If i had been on my own, running at my pace, i'd have been extremely pissed to be stopped. Plus, above 15 miles, i get increasingly to the point where if i stop running, it becomes exceedingly difficult to get running again.
At 15.5 miles, i made a note that sharp pains in my ankle had begun.
The mile 16 split was right around 14:15 for both of us. We had sped back up. Delightful. Only ten miles to go!
And then we ran past Boulton Creek Park. All of Ghost's hair was still exactly where we left it. Alyssa had mused about it being picked up by birds, and all the great construction material she was leaving them.
Welp.
I wonder how many other runners had musings about the woolly grass, but only we knew the truth.
I texted Alyssa. "We just ran past that park. Ghost's hair is still there."
"What mile are you on," she responded.
"16.40"
"Ok you'll see me soon. I'll explain then."
"Uh oh."
Moments later, an ambulance flew past us, lights on, sirens blaring.
"Uh...i hope that's not for Alyssa..."
Just before mile 17, we were handed more of those weird blended-Gusher-like energy gels. Our trackers gave us our splits, just above 15 minutes, slower, but still good. Our trackers had been off for quite some time, as they always are during races, but at this mile, we couldn't even see the official milestone from where we stood.
David texted to ask if we knew about what mile we were at. They were looking for us. I told him 17. We still hadn't found the official mark.
We took another turn, i believe entering the California State University Long Beach campus, seeming to abandon big roads and all spectators. We went through a roundabout, and on the other side was the mile 17 marker. We were coming up to a bridge, with a slight upward curve to it. Amanda said she wanted to walk for a bit, but i saw a photographer on the other side and convinced her to keep moving for the pictures. We crossed the bridge, passing a walking competitor who appeared to have shat their pants. Big brown mark on the lowest edge of their top.
As we passed through the campus, it seemed a ghost town. We didn't see another person for quite a while. Occasionally cones, occasionally a barricade which seemed to indicate which way to go, but no spectators. Sometimes we'd see another runner, ahead of us, going the way we were, so we hoped we were still on track. We did see a cop at one of the barricades, blocking the forward and right options of an intersection. He watched us take the left and said nothing. So...probably the correct direction?
Along the back side of the campus, we seemed to be alone. Amanda asked how i was doing and i confirmed the very chafing which i had expressed concern over the possibility of, all those miles ago. She pulled her Body Glide out of a pouch in her hydro pack and pushed it into my hand.
"There's no one back here. Just stick this in your pants and put it on!"
"Fine, okay, fine!"
So i may have unintentionally pulled out my genitals on a college campus, but it was for a worthy cause. The nonprofit charity of "save Trevor's fucking thigh epidermis."
Then the incline began. Amanda suspected that this was the big hill she had been warning us about.
Every time she brought it up in the prep for this race, i had pictured a hill like the one that destroyed me at the OC marathon, in mile 14. Steep, quick. This was not that. No, this was a gradual incline that just. kept. going. Over half a mile of unbroken uphill climb, subtle enough that you might not notice it at first. We walked.
In the end, though, the mile 18 split was 15:16. That hill didn't slow us down nearly as much as we had worried it would.
The hill finally crested, and we were on the other side. The other side, however, WAS a steep downhill. We got some real acceleration here, for a moment.
Such acceleration, in fact, that we went through a signpost speed trap, with the digital display reading "YOUR SPEED," and we REGISTERED! 5 mph!
I didn't get my camera out fast enough, sadly. So i didn't get a shot of it.
...But the GoPro on my chest did!
As we hit that downhill, we ran past the Indian guy we had befriended at the beginning of the race. Finally caught up to him!
Amanda had been complaining about her damaged joints from the night before pretty regularly for the last several miles. She became self-conscious about it, and asked me how i was doing, since she hadn't checked in in a while. I said the pain in my ankle seemed to have gone away, but now my knee on the same side was starting to give me some shit, and my calves were very angry, but not as angry as they were by this point in the OC marathon. After we went down that hill, the other knee was getting very talkative as well...
We joined back up with the other side of the course. This entire loop around the campus had been the switchback. We were now on the other side of that, which we had run over an hour ago. So if Alyssa was still moving along the track as planned, i would likely not have had the opportunity to shout encouraging hot tub words at her.
Mile 19. 14:17. Still maintaining that pace we were striving for. We were walking again, but apparently our running intervals have been good enough to make up for that.
After the next water station, we took a minute to do some stretching. We'd built up enough padding that we could afford to take some time to do that.
At the next intersection, we took a left. And i saw a familiar face! She was running the wrong direction though.
"Ashi!! Good to see you again!!"
"Heeeeyyyy!!!" and she kept going.
19.85 miles. We could see Alyssa.
She was in an intersection ahead of us, pacing around in circles.
She started moving in the correct direction as soon as she saw us, allowing us to catch up, and berating us for "how far behind her" we were. You know.
She began to regale us with the tale of how, shortly after we'd last seen her, there were race officials moving the cones and changing the course. They told her and everyone behind her to turn left. And she was like, are you sure? I really feel like i need to go this way. And they gave the reasoning that everyone behind her wasn't going to finish the race anyway. But she had just done the math, and as long as she kept up 18 minute miles for the rest of it, she could still finish the race in under 7:30. However, there were other runners ahead going that way, and she wasn't 100% sure what was going on, so she followed their instructions.
So she went that direction for almost another mile, until suddenly she saw a sign...
...the 23 mile marker.
And then the 5 hour marathon pacers passed her.
So she said, hell no. Hell fucking no. I'm turning around and going back.
She turned around, hoping to catch up to us, and make up as many miles as she could. At the time she was telling this story, she was over 18 miles; we hit our 20 mile split like three of her sentences ago. 16:27. Not bad for how much walking we were doing and for having taken that stretching break.
By the time she got back to that intersection, along with 3 other people that had been at her pace, the truck was there, picking up cones, and saying they were the end of the line. Her and her group argued with them, that yeah, you just sent us a half an hour out of our way, we would have been fine if you hadn't screwed us up!
So she just walked it backwards to make up as many miles as possible, meet us, continue forward, and get her fucking medal, and maybe do a couple extra miles past the finish line just to make sure she hits 26.2.
"Well i have news for you, too, also!" I said.
"Oh yeah?"
"I did a search for community pools, and i found some, and they might have a hot tub! So you might still be able to get what you want!"
"Oh. Okay." She wasn't as enthused as i expected. Not outwardly, anyway.
"Anyone want to get misted?" Amanda asked.
"Uh. Maybe. Probably, yeah," i said, and turned to face forward, seeing a person with a hose, at the official 20 mile marker, spraying a fine mist into the air. I accelerated, shouting, "I'M DOIN IT, I'M GETTING MISTED!" as i passed through the spray, and grabbed a half a banana from their cohort on the other side of the mister.
A moment later, i crossed the 20 mile marker, which had a sensor for an official time update. A water station followed, and just beyond that, i was offered a beer.
"Get your carbs!!"
"Uh. No thank you!"
Alyssa tried to keep up, but we soon left her behind again. At least she was still moving, and still...essentially...in the race.
We approached the cross street, where the cops were allowing cars to pass through the marathon. They halted traffic as we approached, letting us through, but Alyssa did not make it, getting stopped by the police to wait for traffic.
I'm glad we didn't get stopped, both selfishly, because i think allowing traffic through is stupid, but also because i was definitely hitting that point where if i stopped, i wouldn't go again. Got. To. Keep. Moving.
I was dragging.
Five miles to go.
Our mile 22 split was around 14:15. We were speeding up again.
Four miles to go.
I got the text alert that Alyssa had crossed the 12.5 mile mark. It estimated her finish time at 7:32. Again, this is a 7:30 course.
That was from before the fuckup though. Even though she would end up running slightly less than the 26.2 on the official course, she was picking up the pace, she was not far behind us, and she would likely finish well before then. And then be able to add whatever miles still remained at her leisure.
Mile 23. 15:04. I was fucking dying. Only 5k to go, 3.1 miles, but all i could say in the video update was, "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
We were running up another hill. We planned to get running again on the down side, even though we acknowledged that it was gonna hurt.
Soon after, Tammi, Phil, David, and Jack caught up to us, riding Lime scooters. David explained that they'd had trouble getting the car out from the expo, totally blocked by traffic, and tried several other methods to leave but weren't able to beat the crowds in any way. Finally, they had found the scooters, and were trying very hard to catch up.
We were still running. David asked how we were doing. I said my legs were gonna fall off. I told Jack, who, again, is six years old, that if my legs do fall off, i need him to pick them up and keep them safe, so the doctor can put them back on later.
We slowed down, and started walking. Amanda was pulling away from me, chatting with David and Jack as they continued on their scooter. I hit mile 24. 16:34. Still much better than i was expecting, obviously slowing down though. But i was about dead.
I had finally succumbed to the allure of running the math. I could walk the rest of the race and still come in under seven and a half hours. I was gonna make it. It was gonna be fine.
The cloud cover had broken. We were now out in full sun. This is always the thing that ends up destroying me. I can't get myself to run around our neighborhood after the sun passes a certain azimuth, even on a chilly day. That SoCal sun just hits different than in the Midwest. Closer to the equator. Hotter. Drier. Deadly to the ice water in my Wisconsin veins.
I finally admitted that i probably wouldn't run again.
I could still see Amanda walking and talking with David, but they were gaining ground away from me.
Ashi crossed paths with me for the last time. She was cruising in the same direction...on a Lime scooter. "Ashi!" i yelled.
"I gave up!" she yelled back.
"Noooo!!!"
And she scooted away. Too bad, i was hoping to see her again at the finish line.
Amanda started running again. She yelled something over her shoulder at me, but i couldn't move. I admitted to the camera that i didn't even know if i had two more miles in me. But i kept shambling along, like a zombie.
Our Indian friend from Las Vegas from the beginning came cruising up to me. Still running, slow and steady. Nice guy. Found out his name is Ajay.
"The sun came out after all! It's really killing us!"
"It sure is, Ajay. Oh man. It is."
I was hoping to see him again at the finish line, but i never caught up again. I'm sure he'd departed by the time i got there. These things are supposed to be great for meeting new friends with common interests, right? Dang.
At mile 25, Amanda was long gone. My arms were numb. My legs were almost numb, all i could feel was the chafing of my thighs. I could feel my chest going numb. Felt like i was gonna throw up. Lightheaded. Dizzy. But my heart rate was still in the 140s, so that wasn't bad. I was determined not to black out. I still had fifty minutes to complete this thing, and only 1.2 miles to go.
Soon, i crossed a water station. I overheard on an unsecured walkie that the last runner was at mile 22, so i was still three miles ahead of them. I worried that it might be Loosk. But i was still good. They weren't gonna kick me off the course.
Still felt like absolute ass though. Dizzy. But gonna make it.
In the last half mile, i made a log saying that i probably wouldn't make another log, but i was gonna make it. Still shambling. Was hoping i would be able to run through the chute and at least cross the finish line running, for the crowd, for the photos, for myself, but i didn't think that was gonna happen.
I rolled over 7 hours with 1/3 of a mile to go. I mused that i hoped Amanda had made it in under 7 hours. That would be fantastic. I was so proud of her. She kept going.
I could hear the sounds of the expo. The announcers. What was left of the crowd. I went through the last intersection on the blocked-off public roads, following the barricades to the left and back toward the ocean. I was in the white metal corrals that comprised the chute. There was still a sharp right turn to make to get to the finish; the spectators couldn't see me yet. I was still being passed by some people, people who seemed fresher than me; they may have been stragglers from the half marathon.
I had said i wasn't gonna be able to do it, but the excitement of the end of the race got to me. I found it, buried deep down in there, somewhere.
I started running.
And i crossed that finish line running.
Seven hours, eleven minutes, forty-two seconds.
Amanda was at the finish line, with her phone out, recording a video of me coming across the finish line. A race worker slipped a medal over my head, half covering the GoPro, but i didn't care, it's a nice effect actually.
I started grabbing snacks as they were handed to me. Two cans of Liquid Death water first, then i came to a table full of pretzels. A lady handed me a bag. I saw an empty pretzel box on the table, and i don't know if i asked for it or if i just lobbed my water cans in and slurred out "i'm taking this box" but either way, her response was, "Do you want more pretzels" as she dumped about 14 more bags of them into the box.
Someone passed me a fistful of fruit jerky energy bars. Into the box.
I was drawing near Amanda, still filming me approaching, when some guy flagged her down and asked her to take his picture. While she was filming. While she clearly had a camera out and was engaged in another activity. And instead of telling this guy to wait his fucking turn, she stopped filming and abandoned me and went to do it. At the time i was confused but in retrospect i'm a bit upset about it. Partly at Amanda for doing that, but i understand that in those situations, both of us have a tendency to panic and maybe not make the best choice and i cannot guarantee i would have done better in that situation, but mostly at this guy, who saw a person clearly in the middle of trying to get a shot of someone else crossing the finish line and saw fit to interrupt that for his own selfish purposes. Fucking wait, dude. Wait until they're done with their thing. Back off.
I was fully spent. I left everything i had out on that course. I hobbled over to her, got a quick hug, and was ready to go find a patch of grass to collapse into. She asked me to go take pictures, though, and i was just like, okay.
"Set your box down first. Here, you can put it next to mine." And she led me to another box sitting on the ground, off to the side.
We got our picture taken together by one of her family members, retrieved our boxes, and hobbled along to an empty slice of lawn just outside of the chute, grabbing multiple cartons of chocolate milk as we passed their booth. We both dropped to our butts, in janky motions, using limbs to guide the fall slowly, almost like a sloppy kettlebell routine.
As Amanda collapsed to her back, staring up at the sky, i pulled the GoPro off my chest and tried to haphazardly set it up on the box, pointing at the ground where Amanda lay and i intended to land, figuring i may as well burn out whatever was left in the seventh and final battery and get some post-race footage. I opened a chocolate milk, chugged it, and then hit the ground myself. Reviewing the footage later, i would find that the battery didn't even last long enough for me to drop into the frame. I had timed those batteries perfectly for the race.
I lamented that all the best snacks were clearly picked over by the time we'd finished, which, at 7 hours, is to be expected, but still. I wanted my banana. That's what i do this for, after all.
I swear it was just like a minute after i hit the ground that suddenly Alyssa walked up to us, arms full of chocolate milk cartons. She was dropping them all over the ground, having difficulty keeping her milks wrangled.
The family gathered around us and were all chatting about the race and what we were up to next. Jack had sat down in front of me, blocking me off from the rest of the group.
I was getting cold. Like...very cold. It was a warm day, the cloud cover had broken, the sun was fully out, and even though there were cool breezes blowing in from the ocean, it should not have been enough to affect me like that. I was shivering. And then my arms started quaking uncontrollably.
I pulled out my phone and googled a thing i vaguely remembered from Boy Scouts.
"Heeeeyyy...could someone go to the med tent and get me a blanket? I think i am showing signs of shock."
And like. In my brain. My stupid, malfunctioning brain. I was just like. It's not a big deal. I just need to warm up, and get my feet elevated. Shock's not a big deal. Don't make a fuss.
That's the midwesterner in me.
Like that meme that went around several years ago, of the guy who drove himself to the hospital with a freaking nail in his heart because he "didn't want to be a bother" to anybody else. Like. That's me. That's the kind of dumb shit i would do.
Most people in the midwest are like this.
I know there was commotion but i wasn't really paying attention to it. David sprinted off to the medical tent. He called my phone a minute later.
"They don't really have blankets, but they do want to see you," he said. "Can you walk or do you need us to bring a wheelchair?"
And i, an idiot, thought to myself, wheelchairs don't roll on grass. Don't worry. I can do this, it's not a big deal, and so i said, "I can walk."
Phil helped me up, and i started tottering off to the med tent. It wasn't far. It was about the same distance from the finish line as our spot was, just on the other side. I rocked left and right as i moved, like the Mondoshawan priests from The Fifth Element. My shoulder muscles had cramped such that my arms were frozen in a velociraptor pose.
As i stepped off the curb, i saw the nurses coming at me with the wheelchair.
"Is that for me?"
"Are you the one that's going into shock?"
"Yeah that's for me."
They wheeled me in and got me set up on what looked like a lawn chair, a chaise longue, with a sheet over it, and asked me some questions to ascertain the situation.
As they were checking my vitals, the one who had wheeled me in asked, "Is this your first marathon?"
"No, it's my second."
"Oh, nice. How many miles did you run?"
"Eh, most of them."
"Well sure, but how many miles did you run?"
"Like i walked a few, i think i actually walked more miles this time than i did on my first marathon, but i did run most of them."
"Right. Right. Sure. But how many miles. Did. You. Run."
And my brain is racing at this moment, like. Did i run those miles? Who can truly be said to have run?
Then it hit me.
"OHHH!!! OH, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING! 26.2. A marathon is 26.2 miles."
And she smiled and nodded and said, "Thank you, yes."
We would later discuss this incident and Amanda and Alyssa, both medical professionals, would assert that there are easier and less confusing ways to check if a patient has a concussion. My thoughts, i shared, were, look lady, i'm real good at gaslighting myself. I can question my reality all day.
Vitals looked okay. My blood pressure was just a smidge high. They asked if i knew what it was normally and i had no idea. Despite having just had a physical two weeks before, i could not tell them what my normal blood pressure is. I still can't.
They brought me a can of Liquid Death and asked if i needed anything else. Like snacks, maybe?
"What do you have?"
"Well, we have some bananas..."
"YES! YES, PLEASE BRING ME A BANANA!"
They kept me under observation for about 15-20 minutes while i inhaled that banana, plus a fruit bar and another can of Liquid Death. Meanwhile, the tent was clearing out. They were packing up the chaise longues and starting to move equipment out. I was the last patient of the day.
Phil came in to take my race bib, so that they could get my Combo medal: a third medal that you get if you complete the full or half marathon plus the Aquarium of the Pacific 5k. A little later, Tammi came in and relieved me of the car keys.
The official race updates started coming through to my phone. In this order.
AMANDA HAERTERICH - FINISH in 6:58:14. Pace 15:58.
TREVOR TRIGGS - FINISH in 7:11:42. Pace 16:28.
ALYSSA POMERENKE - FINISH in 7:19:03. Pace 16:45.
DAVID HAERTERICH - FINISH in 3:47:59. Pace 8:42.
Powered by Simmco Data Systems.
They moved me to a chair to sit up for a few minutes, then had me walk back and forth through the tent a little before releasing me. As i had laid on the lawn chair, i had felt like i was warming up and getting back to normal, but sitting in that chair, i started to feel cold again.
I...did not report this. When they asked how i felt, i said i felt fine. They wanted someone to come get me from the tent though, so that i wasn't just wandering off by myself. I sent a text, and David arrived a minute later.
Amanda asked if i was up for taking a group photo. I wasn't, but i wanted to have one, so i obliged. Unfortunately, while i was indisposed, they had already taken down all of the nice race graphic backdrops she wanted to use. She was looking around for another spot, and i once again found my way to the ground, and said, "how about if we just do it sitting, right here?" Fortunately, she agreed.
I, um, do not look good in that photo.
It was time to leave. I was helped up, and Amanda guided me toward the car. Tammi had moved it to a much closer spot, just to the side of the med tent. If we had not wanted that photo, it probably would have been much easier to bring me directly there from the tent. Still, i was grateful to not have to walk all the way back to the parking structure.
I'm not sure if there had been plans to do anything else after the race, but if there were, they were summarily discarded. We headed straight back. We didn't even want to eat. I expressed a desire for nothing more than to flop over dead on that comfy comfy mattress and pull all the blankets over me and cease existing for a little while. Possibly the rest of the night.
We got to the hotel, and i fully intended to head up the stairs again, before i was politely but firmly led to the elevator.
We rode to the top, and then i made good on my stated desires.
I did apologize that i wouldn't be able to help with the dogs, but i was completely done for and i knew it. I was genuinely sorry, though, because i know Amanda and Alyssa are also burned out from just having run the same distance that i did, but i just. couldn't. I saw Alyssa start hooking up Ghost and Vinz, and that's about the last thing i remember for a while.
Encased in a chrysalis of blankets, i reverted to a goo stage.
I emerged 45 minutes later, not exactly a butterfly. Potentially still a semi-viscous liquid. Alyssa was asleep on the other side of the bed, still leaving an Amanda-sized hole between us. I could hear Amanda in the bathroom, casting the sounds of rippling water and seemingly talking to someone on the phone. I couldn't make out exactly what she was saying, nor a second voice, but i could tell she was talking about the race.
I don't know how much time passed, i don't think i did anything other than stare at the ceiling or maybe my phone, but Amanda came out of the bathroom soon after.
"I took that ice bath," she said. "I highly, highly recommend it!"
"What? Really? Who are you?"
"It was like, i could feel all the tension leaving the muscles in my legs. It was wonderful. It was so good."
She asked how i was doing and i told her i still wasn't feeling right, my body was going through hot and cold flashes and i couldn't control it. She thought i was having an electrolyte imbalance, which immediately struck me as weird since i had taken electrolytes at every opportunity that they were offered on the course. She made me a glass of aminos, which i started to sip slowly.
She revealed that she had filmed herself getting into the ice bath, because she thought i might enjoy her reactions. She even had the foresight to put on her swimming suit, in case i wanted to post it as part of our race video. This girl knows me too well.
Her initial reactions are hilarious. She ended up recording an 18 minute stream of consciousness of all of her thoughts as she sat there in the cold bath, and that video is the best thing that came out of this race.
I was still skeptical, but from all of this new information, i was starting to verge on the thought of having myself one of these ice baths. And then she disappeared back into the bathroom.
Turns out she had gone back for that Epsom salt soak. She drained her ice water and refilled the tub with warm.
As she was doing that, i recorded my final update, and drank my electrolytes.
Alyssa woke up. When Amanda came out from her second soak, Alyssa decided to give it a try herself.
However, she didn't really give it an honest shake. She refused to put ice in the tub, and just tried it with cold water, but as soon as she touched the cold, it was just too much for her, so she warmed it up.
We've already covered how terrible this shower setup is, so she ended up just sitting there in a lukewarm bath for a little while. Too cold for comfort, too warm to shock the muscles. She was displeased with her results.
Now that i have a second report on the feeling of getting into a cold tub, though, i was a little more leery of it.
My sense of adventure and willingness to try new things did prevail in the end, though. I asked Amanda to draw me up a nice ice bath, and i would go ahead and take the polar plunge in that shitty fucking bathtub.
At this time, we realized that while Alyssa had walked Ghost and Vinz, no one had taken care of Zuul and Copper. I volunteered to go do it, since i had at least recharged my batteries to a positive percentage point, as Amanda prepared my bath.
When i came back, i found Amanda sitting on the bed, staring at her phone, and Alyssa still mostly asleep. I could hear the bathtub running, with the door closed.
"You're filling the tub without watching it? That seems irresponsible," i charged.
"No, trust me, it fills very, very slowly. It's a very bad bathtub."
"How long has it been running?"
"How long were you out there?"
And i was worried by that statement. But i opened the door and gazed upon this stupid porcelain monstrosity...and the water had not even reached the point where the walls start curving up from the bathtub's floor. There was like a quarter inch of water in there.
What the fuck.
So i was like, well, i guess i'll pop a squat on that toilet for a little while and watch the tub fill up. I realized that i hadn't even peed since mile 2 of the race. That was over 12 hours ago.
I grabbed my laptop and relocated it to the bathroom, intending to work on this log while i worked on that other log, and then Tammi entered the room, bearing bags from Noodles & Co. Noodles & Co! Another strange choice for the visitors, since, again, they have this at home, but as for us, it is a taste of home that we didn't know existed in California.
Apparently they have one in Long Beach. Interesting.
So instead, i ate my dinner, my entire dinner, out in the main room, and then came back to check on the tub, and it still wasn't quite to an acceptable human bath level.
After a few more minutes, i went ahead and dumped the ice in, a full Ralph's grocery bag of it, and stopped the water. Following Amanda's thought process, i changed into my own swim suit, and started the camera.
In the moments it took me to do that, all of the ice seemed to have melted. I worried for a second that it might be too warm to have the intended effect, then, but i reasoned that maybe it just meant all of the water was now infused with that coldness.
I stuck a foot in.
And i started, and i swear this is the best, most applicable term, hooting.
It was. It was an experience. For sure.
Next foot in. I kept making ridiculous noises.
Third foot in. Wait. No. Hold on. I only have two of those. I must have...started lowering my body in, then? Hoo boy.
By this point i was cackling like the Joker. I could hear my teammates in the other room laughing at me. Unquestionably, they were taking joy from my discomfort. The schadenfreude of it all! The humanity!
And as i lowered the rest of my legs in, and they disappeared below the surface tension, as suddenly as the hooting had started, something snapped in my brain.
"Oh! It just got good! I understand now!"
And that was that. I relaxed into it. Every inch of my back protested as i slowly lowered my body further and further into the frigid liquid, but it was soon quieted by the rush of the tension and pain leaving my sore muscles, and transferring that negative energy into this abomination of a hotel bathroom, where it belongs. The pain can live here, that's fine. That way i don't have to take it with me.
D had climbed up atop her carrier and was staring at me, meowing with great concern for my wellbeing. Why would you do this to yourself, human? she seemed to ask. I reached out and scratched her head and her tune changed. Like, never mind. I don't care what you do to yourself just keep doing this.
I cut my recording after about five minutes, i wasn't about to do a full bath-length stream of consciousness like Amanda did, but i probably sat in there for over thirty minutes. Amanda had to ask me to get out two or three times before i finally did.
Alyssa doesn't know what she's missing.
We decided to go give that stupid, broke-ass hot tub a chance.
Amanda took an edible, which it should be noted she'd asked her mom to go out and buy, because she "didn't want to feel her body for a while."
"I just started to feel my body again, i'd like to keep it that way!" i countered.
We headed downstairs. David and Jack met us on the way.
There was a guy sitting at the table outside as we entered the hot tub area. Presumably, he worked for the hotel, but i can't say that authoritatively. I'm not sure exactly what David was saying to him, but he was a crotchety old man, and grumpily said something about how that hot tub "should be 104 degrees."
I walked down the stairs and sat on one of the benches. I'm no expert on temperatures, but i can confidently say it was not 104 degrees.
Amanda sat on the edge of the staircase, putting just her ankles in to the top step, frowning.
Jack jumped right in and started swimming laps back and forth, back and forth, utilizing the full breadth of this garbage hole in the ground to splash around and generally be a six year old. I'm glad someone could make use of these three feet of disappointing diameter.
Down by my feet, it was kind of warm, i guess, but up at the surface, the water around my chest and belly was decidedly cold. The jets were just like. Farting on us. No pressure. Just some teeny little bubbles to make us feel like some action was happening down there.
There was a general scent of funkiness pervading the experience, as well.
Amanda, edibles starting to kick in, kept commenting on how it looked "murky" and "like human soup."
We lasted about five minutes, and then decided to go back up to the room.
Amanda's edible was fully in control by now, and taking her up the stairs was an adventure. After the first flight, i said something about "two more floors to go."
"That was only one?!?" she exclaimed, incredulous.
"Uh. Yep. We are on the second floor," i explained. "We need to get to the fourth."
We got up the next set of stairs.
"Oh god. Oh god."
"We are at two and a half now."
"Oh god. Oh god," she continued. "How many times have we gone around this?" She patted the wall to her right, which the stairs form a square spiral around.
"Just once," i answered.
"Oh god. Oh god. Fortnite was right."
"...what?"
"Fortnite. With the stairs. You make the stairs. Fortnite was right."
I could not get any more clarity out of her than this.
It took over three minutes to climb three flights of stairs.
Then she started strutting down the hallway.
"Got a little swagger in there, eh?" i said.
Her movements became increasingly goofier, much more exaggerated, much higher knees and sweeping leg motions.
"Got a little Ministry of Silly Walks in there, eh?"
She almost broke down laughing.
After we entered the room, she would try to explain to a mostly-sleeping Alyssa, who could not retain consciousness as Amanda spoke, that there had been a demon at the end of the hallway, and she had to dance him down. You have to strut. You have to dance up to him, to entice him.
And then the elevator dinged, and she knew she would have to act like a normal person for a moment, because this poor human woman started walking toward us, blissfully unaware of the demon she was walking away from, without dancing.
This lady was giving us the weirdest looks. Amanda said she was trying so hard not to look like she was high. I was like, "She totally knew you were high. Or maybe she was just wondering why there was a man behind you, filming you as you walked."
"You filmed all that???"
"Oh yeah. You're the one who keeps telling me i need to just film you at all times and never stop, because whenever i stop is when the funniest stuff happens."
Alyssa passed out so many times during Amanda's telling of this story, Amanda kept waking her up, and eventually lost her own train of thought and couldn't figure out how to continue.
I finally went to the bathroom to take care of that business i mentioned before dinner. By the time i came out, they were both passed out. I wrote in my log for a little while longer, but by 9:00, i was pooped, and i needed to crash myself.
Plan was to get up early, get Amanda's parents to the airport, get ourselves back to Alyssa's house, and spend the rest of the day in her hot tub.
Because god damn it. We deserve that hot tub.
Right? Good. Flawless plan. Nothing can go wrong. No notes.
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